Note: This article was originally written in Twirl, the teen publication in Binah Magazine. Another way to engage client writers to examine their behavior--I actually find many writers finding their way to me for therapy because they connect to my writing and use writing as part of their therapy naturally....so here's another:
You know how people talk about dirt or stains like they have personality? Something like, “That stain on my skirt was so stubborn it just would not come out! Even when I pre-soaked it and washed it twice!” Sometimes that stubborn stain will become a full-fledged person and you will hear someone say, “I really can't stand that stain on my skirt! It makes me so nervous!”
This all comes to mind as I think about the many stubborn spots of dirt that I have pushed off taking care of until Pesach cleaning and now that Pesach is here, I think I want to continue to push it off. Because really, those stubborn stains on the walls or floor or ceiling are not chametzdik, so why bother?
And I do not know if I ever mentioned it to you, but I have a soft spot for stains. The ones that are stubborn and most people get nervous from, or don't like. Because I can relate to those stains. The stubborn ones, I mean. Because I am pretty stubborn myself. And even if it's embarrassing to admit, I will say it straight. Stubborn people are often disliked by others. Because stubborness is not exactly the most fabulous middah to have. An akshan definitely knows how to make other people nervous.
There are many reasons that being stubborn is unpleasant.
When I was in elementary school, I stubbornly refused to dance. Ever. In my head, I was a terrible dancer and everyone would look at me and laugh. So I sat on the side during my favorite sister's wedding for all of the dancing, jealous of everyone else, and refused to dance. No matter how many of sister's friends tried to pull me into the circle. I did not try out for dance in school ever. Even when all my friends were trying out for fun, knowing they would never get in anyway. So I spent twenty years stubbornly refusing to dance. And then I got engaged and had to dance at my own wedding. And my new sister in law, high school student, showed me how to dance. And I got it! And it was fun! And I danced throughout my whole wedding and nobody laughed.
When my friends decided on one place to go on Sunday after school and I decided on a different place, I was too stubborn to ever change my mind. To say they may be right. To try something new. When my mother suggested that I might want to make friends with the new neighbor, learn to play piano, try on a different shoe at the shoe store, I was too stubborn to ever consider she may be right. And she usually was.
Looking back, I think my stubborness came from insecurities. If I am insecure, stubborness helps me feel secure. Nobody can tell me what to do, so nobody can make me try something new or different, so nobody can shake me up, so nobody can make me move out of my comfort zone to do something that may make me insecure.
Very unpleasant to live with a stubborn person. Especially when that person is ME.
But you know what? Every middah also has its flip side. Its good side.
I may be stubborn about wanting to get my own way, but I also use my stubbornness to do what is right, even when nobody else agrees with me.
So although often my stubbornness came from feelings of insecurity, a lot of other times, my stubbornness also came from a strong sense of right and wrong. If somebody tried to tell me to do something or not do something that I felt was wrong, I simply didn't listen. I stubbornly refused to compromise my principles. My stubbornness helped me accomplish goals in life when nobody else thought that what I wanted to accomplish was possible. Like when a camp rejected me and I really wanted to go there so set to work to figure out how to convince them. And I was so stubborn that they finally did. And I had a great time there, making friends there that I value until today.
So my stubbornness is not all that bad. And neither am I.
So if I am debating whether or not to scrub those stubborn stains out of the outfit I have sitting in my closet or just throw it out, I should not be debating whether or not I should be scrubbing out the stubborn stains in my character; the ones that definitely should be thrown out. Then I can keep the good stubbornness inside of me. That will make a good Pesach cleaning!
--------------------------------------
Here's a challenge for all you stubborn readers out there. A writing challenge. Are you up to it? Okay, then. Take out a fresh piece of paper. Or your computer. And your flash drive to save your work. And here is what you need to do: I need you to make a list. Not bad, right? Anyone can make a list, right? So totally not scary, this writing challenge. Now, if you are using a pencil and paper—or pen, or marker, or whatever you want—make sure to skip lines when you write. Yup. Like when you were in second grade. You will see why later. Also, skip an extra line in between each item on your list. Yup. Like a first grader. At least I know you are listening. Because I think kids stop listening once they hit third grade (I know I did!). Here comes the fun part.
Beginning on the first line, list all the times you have been stubborn, starting from when you were really, really small. You can ask your parent or grandparent or friends to help you with this. I am sure they can remember anything you forgot. You can even call up that teacher who kicked you out every week for your stubbornness. List all the ways you were stubborn, both positive and negative. Don't forget to skip two lines in between each item on your list.
Finished? Excellent.
Here's the second part. Check off all the good stubborness you wrote; put an X next to each example on the list that was not so great. Using all the skipped lines, you can add words, details, description or metaphors in the empty spaces. You can add what you learned about yourself, what you can do to improve yourself, how stubbornness has either helped you or sabotaged you. You can cross out stuff.
Now for the last part: Rearrange the list in the order that feels right to you. Maybe first all the negative parts, then the positive parts. Maybe alternating. Maybe in chronological order. Now break up the list into lines and read it out loud to find the rhythm in it. But still keep it in a list.
Title it. I am awful with titles so don't ask me for ideas.
You are done? Great!
Guess what?
You have just created a list poem!
Now, here's mine:
Hated wearing bows or pins in my hair
Didn't want to kiss my aunts hello
(their kisses were mushy like a too ripe banana)
Refused to take piano or art lessons
Sat on the side all night at my favorite sister's wedding
(nobody could make me dance no matter how hard they tried)
Said no to trying out for dance or acting parts in school and camp
Didn't want to make my hair nice before I left to school one Sunday morning.
(and when I came home to my surprise party I was sorry)
Was too stubborn to apologize when I made a mistake
(even when I felt that squiggly yucky feeling and knew I was wrong)
Struggled over my school projects
(even when they looked homemade, not fancy as my classmates' whose mothers helped)
Revealed to the teacher about the prank girls prepared because I thought it was nasty to do
(although everyone else thought it was funny)
After I was rejected, figured out how to get into the camp I wanted to go to without crying
Barreled my way to an acceptance into a seminary in Eretz Yisroel no matter what
Convinced my chosson to live in Eretz Yisroel after we marry
(even though he didn't want to, and now he wants our newlyweds to go too)
Became a high school teacher even though everyone said it's too hard to find a job
(and I was sure I was too short to see over my desk)
Always an advocate for my children in their schools
(because I stubbornly know they are perfect)
Channel the stubbornness my kids inherited from me
into something wonderful for them...
Look me up on LINKEDIN https://www.linkedin.com/in/mindy-blumenfeld-a8067583
Check out my book THERAPY SHMERAPY, available in bookstores and through Amazon
Browse through my previously published articles on my former blog Therapy Thinks and Thoughts at frumtherapist.com/profile/MindyBlumenfeldLCSW
Read current articles in my bi-weekly column THERAPY: A SNEAK PEEK INSIDE in Binah Magazine, available on newsstands every Monday.