NEFESH: The International Network of Orthodox Mental Health Professionals

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In My Mind (and on the couch)
Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW

Click here to view my clinical profile

A Selection Of Articles, Musings, And Information Detailing The Struggles Of The Ordinary Person; A Celebration Of The Individual's Resilience To Overcome Challenges And Live Authentically.

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Open reader view Writing in Grief Work: an exercise for teens (and adults)

Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW

September 4th, 2016

This article was originally used as a teleconference on the LINKS hotline, an organization that runs programs and support for teens whose parent(s) had died

Did I ever mention that my best pieces of writing come out when I am dealing with something really hard? Well, it’s true. there’s this famous writer who once wrote something like how writing needs to be as strong as a hammer against the skull to wake us up. If all of writing is sweet and nice, then there is no point. The point is to wake people up, to teach, to explain, to show, to help others know and experience.

Another writer once wrote that it is lucky that she had a horrible childhood; otherwise she would not have been a famous writer.

So I don’t know if any of us think it’s lucky for her about her horrible childhood, but my point is that if you are listening to this, then you have lost a parent, and that’s not great, obviously. And if you are still listening to this, then you also like to write. Or create. And you are wondering how you can cope with your grief in some way, some productive way like maybe with writing somehow.

So I want to show you how even out of pain—and sometimes specifically out of pain, something beautiful can emerge. Like a beautiful piece of writing.

So are you ready? You have a fresh piece of paper? Or a blank computer screen? Or you savvy texters, do you have a new page opened in your notebook on your phone?

Are you in a space where you can think and write? Someplace quiet and alone? Or do you prefer in the kitchen amidst the noise of family? Are you really ready? Or maybe you first want to just listen and then decide if you want to participate. That’s okay too. And for those of you who think you can’t write, I will tell you this. If you think, you write. So it would be hard for anybody who doesn’t think. Like has an empty brain. But if you have something in your brain. Maybe like even noodles or even peas—as in peabrain, it can work for you.

And one more thing to know before I start: yeah, sure I am a writer now. And I like the way I write, and even other people like the way I write. But I’m going to tell you a secret. Not one teacher ever liked the way I wrote. My eighth grade teacher actually told me my writing was putrid. Go look it up in the dictionary. Okay, I will tell you. It means stinky. Yep. My teacher actually told me my writing is stinky. Now I dare you to have a worse reason why not to write than I did.

Now are you ready?

Clear your mind.

We are going to be making a list. Just a list. So all you are going to do is start a new line for each new thing on your list. And if something on your list is too long for one line, that’s fine. Just skip 2 lines in between each thing on your list. And here’s another very important instruction: in between each and every line you need to skip one line. So that’s one line in between every line; two lines in between each thing on your list.

Now here’s what you will list on your list.

Stuff you know about your parent who died. It can be what you remember. What someone told you. What you see in a picture. What you imagine. Just lists the things. The list can be as long as you want or as short.

So here's my list on my grandfather who died over 20 years ago.

Blue eyes.

Speckles on his cheeks

loved chatzilim with toast

didn't let me read Judaica books in English so I had to hide them under the bed when I went there for shabbos

Satmar. Loved the alteh Satmar Rebbe

visited me in seminary in Israel but refused to walk around the block because he hated the Zionists. And around the block was the Sanz- Klausenberg neighborhood who voted in the Israeli Elections. Who he considered Zionists as well even if they were chareidi.

Bored me to death making me read Yiddish divrei Torah from boring yiddish publications

scratchy beard when I kissed him.

Never let me steal the afikomen because he was didn't want to spend money on a gift

bought my son a silver tray when he was his sandek at the bris

bought me a siddur before I left to seminary and wrote it in it “Kol...penimah.”

I still have it.

Okay, so go ahead and write your own list.

At the end of the list, write your feeling about your parent.

Once you are done, here is what you need to do: give it a title. Like “My mother or My father. And end off with your feeling. Then believe it or not, the whole middle becomes a poem.

Read it like a poem. Find the rhythm in it. If you want to be fancy, you can rewrite and using the exact words you wrote, you can break it up into lines on the page. You can even rearrange the list if you like. Which is what I ended up doing.

So this is what my poem about my grandfather sounds like:

Blue eyes.

Speckles on his cheeks

scratchy beard when I kissed him.

loved chatzilim with toast

Satmar. Loved the alteh Satmar Rebbe

didn't let me read Judaica books in English so I had to hide them under the bed when I went there for shabbos

he hated the Zionists.

visited me in seminary in Israel

but refused to walk around the block

because

around the block was the Sanz- Klausenberg neighborhood

who voted in the Israeli Elections.

Who he considered Zionists as well even if they were chareidi.

Bored me to death

making me read Yiddish divrei Torah

from

boring yiddish publications

Never let me steal the afikomen

because he was didn't want to spend money on a gift

bought my son a silver tray

when he was his sandek at the bris

bought me a siddur before I left to seminary

and

wrote it in it “Kol kevudah bas melech penimah.”

I still have it.

I loved him so much and still do.

I wish he could still bore me to death with Yiddish stuff.

Not bad, right?

Now don't forget to send in your work to the Links office so we can read your stuff and maybe publish it too. I would love to respond to what you send me, but I can't, but I will read it all. Have fun writing!