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Dear Therapist:
My daughter has just left for a year of seminary in Eretz Yisroel. I am concerned about the amount of time she is spending in her just married, shana reshona, sister’s house. She has only been in Yerushalayim the last few weeks but, by all accounts, she is spending way too much time there. I know it's early but I want to deal with this before it becomes an issue. This doesn't seem to bother either of my daughters but I am concerned about the impact this will have on the newlyweds' relationship. Am I overreacting? How would you recommend dealing with it?
Response:
It seems that your concern is with regard to your newly-married daughter’s marriage. You didn’t specify the type of negative impact about which you’re concerned.
Every marriage—and indeed every relationship—has its own unique characteristics. Theoretically, in one instance your younger daughter’s continual presence might cause resentment on the part of your son-in-law. He could feel neglected. He might feel like a third wheel to your daughters’ close relationship. He could feel resentful of the time and emotional energy being afforded someone else within the honeymoon period of their marriage.
If this were the case, and your son-in-law was not comfortable discussing his sentiments with your daughters, he could extrapolate his feelings of resentment to include other areas that otherwise might not affect him. If your married daughter similarly felt uncomfortable discussing her concerns with her sister, she could be similarly affected.
Another theoretical possibility is that your son-in-law enjoys having your younger daughter around. He might feel more connected to his wife’s family, and therefore to his wife. It could be a positive experience for him to develop different types of relationships with each of your daughters. This might lead to a closer connection between your daughters and it might help to strengthen the marital relationship.
Another possibility is that your older daughter and her husband are comfortable within their relationship with one another. They may be able to automatically separate their marital relationship from other relationships. They may be perfectly fine with your younger daughter’s constant presence simply because they don’t view it as related to their own relationship.
Of course, these possible scenarios all assume many things in terms of personality, emotions, sensitivity, insecurities, and the natures of the relationships involved. If you recognize that you may be projecting your own feelings onto your daughter and son-in-law, it’s important to detach this from your view of the situation. This will help you to objectively identify any specific problems that you think may arise. If you believe that there may be a problem, your objective standpoint and the nature of your relationships with those involved will help to guide you toward an appropriate response.
Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW
psychotherapist in private practice
Brooklyn, NY | Far Rockaway, NY
author of Self-Esteem: A Primer
www.ylcsw.com / 718-258-5317
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What about the issue of the younger daughter ? She may or may not have been away from home/abroad for the first time for an extended period. This the usual case withe the North American seminary students. As she gets more comfortable with the seminary/ her classmates she may spend less time at the older daughter's home.
It is the holiday time-Rosh Hashannah/Yom Kippur/ Sukkot. It is a time when one or both daughters may just be a wee bit homesick for family traditions and appreciate each other. Furthermore, unlike years ago, a seminary may not directly provide for food etc on the holidays and expect students to find alternatives or the seminary helps place the students. So spending time with her sister is a realistic alternative if she does not have other relatives in Israel.
What is the definition of too much time? "By all accounts" According to the parent/ the older daughter / or the norm for that particular seminary.
The very thoughtful comments on the psychological aspect of the older daughter's marriage/relationships is much appreciated. the last paragraph is particularly important for parents to help them reflect what is objective and what is a projection, even though the parents What seems to be missing is the issue related to younger daughter's adjustment.
In summary do not jump to any conclusions, but consultation with the seminary personnel may help the parent understand what is the norm and what may be the issues for the younger daughter in terms of adjustment.