Dear Therapist:

 I have a question I would like to hear your opinion on. I am an American bachur learning in Eretz Yisroel and I share a dirah with 5 other bachurim. In general, we try to keep the dirah clean, including a thorough cleaning once a week. About half a year ago we took in a bachur that apparently has major OCD. Every night after everyone else goes to sleep he gets to work spraying and scrubbing away. The problem is not the clean table in the morning or the neatly stacked papers, it's the fact that he throws out anything and everything in his path. Despite sitting him down and trying to talk to him nicely he still makes his rounds while we're trying to eat, because he feels that any trace of dirt needs to be cleaned up. Other habits of his include opening every window (as opposed to the one that's usually open) which isn't too pleasant, especially during the cold winter months, to air out the dirah. He also hides the dirty dishes in the window only to be found days later. At first, we decided to ignore it and let him do his thing but eventually it started getting in the way. We feel like we did everything we can, but it's gotten out of hand and we're at a loss. Thank you. 

Response:

Your question is less about OCD than about interpersonal relationships. Although it can be helpful to understand OCD and the way in which it affects this person, you appear to be asking what you can do given the situation. You might be concerned for this person, but what you’re wondering is what you can do to address the effect that his obsessive behavior is having on the four of you.

In the interest of presenting a basic understanding of OCD, I will very briefly describe the disorder. OCD stands for obsessive-compulsive disorder. This is a very fitting label, since it includes obsessive thoughts and compulsive actions. The obsessions are typically related to anxiety—either general or specific—and the compulsions are the unconscious mind’s way of warding off this anxiety.

This description is not intended to aid you in addressing this person’s OCD symptoms. Rather, it is an attempt to help you better understand your friend. Perhaps this will help to humanize his actions. Recognizing that his thoughts and actions—extreme though they may be—are human at their core may help you to place the situation in perspective.

We all have obsessive thoughts, and we all perform compulsive actions. For someone who has OCD, these thoughts are stronger and more pervasive, leading to actions that can appear quite odd to others—and in fact to the person themselves. Although others are typically only aware of the compulsions, let’s not forget that they are powered by the person’s obsessive thoughts. It is often these obsessions, more than the compulsions, that can be debilitating. His actions are probably more annoying to him than they are to you. More importantly, his constant thoughts and the intense need to control them are likely tormenting him. The only way that he knows how to keep this torment at bay is via his compulsive actions.

All that being said, your question seems to be what you can do to deal with this situation from an interpersonal perspective. This depends largely on your goals, what you’re willing to sacrifice, and the specific relationships, within your dirah and without.

If your sole goal is to rid yourselves of this person, and there are no other considerations, the solution may be quite simple. If your prime concern is his needs, your response will be very different. If there is a combination of goals and factors that are involved, these should all be identified, understood, and discussed. The advice of a rebbi or rav (perhaps one who knows him) can be valuable. If they have dealt with similar issues, they can help to advise you from within the situation on the ground, so to speak.

Another factor that you might want to consider relates to the fact that some degree of obsession and compulsion is normal, and to the fact that mental health issues are very common. It is likely that you will deal with others in your life who have issues—emotional or interpersonal—that are very difficult to manage. Taking the “easy” way out (by having this guy removed from your dirah) could rob you of the opportunity to learn valuable life lessons. Do you want to be in the position where you need to learn how to emotionally and practically address these types of issues at a later time, when the problem is more significant or hits closer to home (as with a wife or child, heaven forbid)? Or, do you want to use this current situation to increase your own understanding of real life and to develop healthy coping skills?

Regardless of your decision, if your friend’s emotional response is a consideration, the various relationships with him should be considered in order to figure out how he can best be approached.

 -Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

  psychotherapist in private practice

  Woodmere, NY

  adjunct professor at Touro University

  Graduate School of Social Work

  author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

  www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200

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