Dear Therapist:

My 5th grade boy does not seem to be able to discern between playful teasing and really being bullied. When his friends tease him, his reaction is way out of proportion, which only leads to more problems with his friends because they find his reaction so overblown. My son doesn't seem to get it and complains to me that he is being "bullied." How can I help him see the difference, and get along better with his friends?

Response:

What is bullying? A similar question is, “What is trauma?”

People sometimes assume that “trauma” is universal—that being assaulted or watching friends die in battle is inevitably traumatic. Although this is usually the case, it is not necessarily so. Not everyone is “traumatized” by the same events. Additionally, when people are traumatized, they feel it on various levels and in different ways.

Similarly, to some extent bullying is subjective. If your son is hurt by the teasing, the effect can be similar to that experienced by someone who you would agree is a victim of bullying.

The question is why your son feels bullied when your “objective” determination is that he is not. Is your son being teased differently, or more often, than the other kids? Is he being teased by more of his friends than the norm? Is the teasing related to something about which his friends are not being teased?

If the teasing that your son is experiencing is materially different from that experienced by the other kids, this could easily make him feel that he is being singled out in some way. Even if the intent is mostly innocuous, there may be a greater element of bullying than the other kids experience.

Another consideration is the tendency for interactions to occur in a cyclical manner. It may start as innocent banter, but your son’s reaction exposes his “weaknesses” to his friends. This can make him an easy mark, which could increase the level or frequency of the teasing. It could change the nature and intensity of the teasing. This, of course, would likely cause your son to react ever more strongly, continuing the cycle.

Pretty much everything in life exists on a spectrum. The teasing-bullying spectrum (as most spectrums) is constantly shifting. Although your sense that your son is not objectively being bullied may be generally correct, this doesn’t mean that there aren’t times that he is being bullied.

Let’s assume, however, that from an objective standpoint your son is not being bullied at all. We’ll assume that it is all innocent teasing that is not any different from the teasing that all his friends experience. You wonder how you can help him see the truth so that he is not hurt by this innocuous teasing.

There can be various reasons for your son’s overreaction when teased. He may be generally sensitive due to low self-esteem. Though his friends may not be bullying him, maybe someone else is. Perhaps he was bullied by someone at some point and is therefore more sensitive to any jibes that remind him of this experience.

There are many possible reasons for your son’s apparent sensitivity. I think, though that you may be approaching this from the wrong angle. You’re trying to figure out how to impress your perspective onto your son. You wonder how you can explain the difference between teasing and bullying, assuming that this will help him to be less sensitive.

Instead, perhaps your approach should start with the reason for his sensitivity. Instead of telling him how to feel, you can ask him what it is that makes him feel the way that he does. What is it about the teasing that bothers him? Is it a particular type of criticism that hurts him? What’s the message that he internalizes when he is being ribbed? Is it particular friends that make him feel this way?

Questions of this nature can help you to better understand your son’s reactions. This, in turn, can help you to determine how to discuss these reactions. Perhaps more importantly, this can help your son to better understand his own feelings and reactions. Rather than simply emotionally reacting to triggers, he can learn to understand them. This will help him—both now and in the future—to approach triggers in a more emotionally mature fashion.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

  psychotherapist in private practice

  Woodmere, NY

  adjunct professor at Touro University

  Graduate School of Social Work

  author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

  www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200

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