Dear Dr. T,
To be totally honest, Pesach is not my finest hour. The cooking, cleaning, and so many days off from school: I can’t even begin to think how I will keep my children occupied. I know that yom tov should be meaningful and uplifting for my family and me but, frankly, I’ll be glad if I survive!
To make matters worse, I know that I have the totally wrong attitude, and I worry about infecting my children with my negativity.
Dr T.,
I would imagine that like most of us you are overwhelmed and stressed out from the pre-Pesach preparations, and the thought of all your responsibilities and managing the yom tov wants and needs of your children just puts you away. The good news is that it is doable, but you need to step away a bit, and begin to plan proactively.
Begin at the end- because as the saying goes, “No road is a good road if you don’t know where it’s going.” What are you goals for your family during yom tov? What choices can you make that will get you the results you want? What are the appropriate means to your end?
Aside from our 'matzo and margarine' concerns [food, clothing, medical], most of us parents want our children to enjoy their childhood. We work hard at providing quality time, connection, and stimulating, positive experiences for our children. As Torah Jews, we particularly want our children to have the times – and memories- of a happy childhood. This is both our chinuch responsibility and our insurance policy, for it has often been noted that people tend to stay in a system that works for them. So, making the yom tov experience a positive one is a vital piece in bringing up our children to continue in the path we set for theLet’s look at some possible choices that would support our goal of a relaxed, yet quality, yom tov experience for ourselves and our family.
In general:
- Choose people over things. Always.
You could make that fudge meringue dream, and have your children wait around while you melt the chocolate, beat the egg whites, prepare three layer pans- you get the drift.
Dzerts are a wonderful hidur mitzvah, but not at the expense of family time.
2. Choose mental health over that final straw- whatever it is. You know your limits. Before you’ve reached them, stop! No one activity is worth your peace of mind.
It would be nice to invite your crotchety upstairs neighbor for all of yom tov- after all she is lonely. But, you just know that listening to her complain at every meal is way more than you handle, so you settle for having her for two lunch meals.
More specifically:
- Include your children in the planning stages to insure their buy-in and enjoyment.
How do they want to participate at the seder- ma nishtana? dvar torah? hallel?
What chores are they good at - and enjoy?
Do they want to invite a friend? Go to a friend?
What is their idea of chol hamoed fun?
4. Yom tov involves lots of sitting at meals, more than some children – and adults -
can bear. Develop a user-friendly time frame that factors in the age and stamina of
each child. Discuss your expectations with each child before the meals begin and
after the allotted time at the table, excuse the child gesunderheit.
Prepare toys and games in another room so that the kids are entertained. You may even choose to have a rotation of teens or adults to supervise the little ones.
5. The seder is the centerpiece of Pesach, and while the older child may appreciate its significance, younger children – Afikomen notwithstanding- are often bored. It is a worthwhile challenge to figure out a way of including the younger set and catering to their interests while not ignoring the adults and invited guests. In a family with young children, you may want to skip the guests altogether in order to focus on the kids.
Your cousin Harry from San Antonio is in town and wants to crash on your sofa for the first two nights to join you at your seder. Harry is an easy guest, and he can be quite funny – and distracting. You let him know that the last days of yom tov are a better option for your family.
- Discuss the family guidelines for Afikomen before the seder.
Who will steal? Which night?
What is a fair price- an American Girl doll or a 99 Cent Store prize?
When can the child reasonably expect to receive his prize?
By developing reasonable expectations beforehand, a parent saves both his child and himself lots of anguish.
7. Maintain some structure in the home, even if it is vacation. Serve three healthy meals and maintain a [relaxed] bedtime. Children behave well when they feel well, and tired and hungry children tend to be cranky and contentious.
There has to be something they are willing to eat!
I hope some of these ideas prove helpful, and help you look forward to a chag kasher v’sameach.
Reprinted from Binah Magazine