Dear Dr. T.,

My daughter is bright and gets all A’s. That’s right – A’s, not A minuses. She will literally stay up all night to make sure she gets that A. She memorizes everything – even stuff that is basically trivial [history of Indian tribes in New York anyone?]- just in case it’s a question on the test.

Seriously? Is there a point to all this? She has lost all interest in learning. She sounds almost robotic. She complains she is bored and stressed from all the memorizing but she is doing what she has to do to get into the ‘right’ seminary. No surprise that she gets terrible headaches from all the pressure.

But, she grinds on - for the prize. And, not meaning to sound critical, she is reinforced by all the ooh’s and aah’s. One teacher has even hinted to me that she stands a good chance of being valedictorian this year

Is this OK? Should I be doing anything about this, or just leave well enough alone? She is sixteen, after all, and not exactly asking for my opinion.

Dr T.,

What you describe is unfortunately typical, but regrettable. It is inevitable in a society that values measurable accomplishments and rewards the highest achiever. It is also reinforced, as you so astutely put it, by reality: the higher the grade, the greater the prize. Small wonder that your daughter has fallen into the trap. It would take a strong-minded individual to withstand the pressure.

So, should you do anything about this? [A better question might be – canyou do anything about this?]Maybe it would be best to simply look at this an adolescent rite of passage, like having to wear what everyone else wears. After all, teens go through stuff - and survive.

Though that argument certainly has some merit, here is another way of looking at the situation. It’s all a matter of degree. If your daughter won’t leave the house without the article of clothing that-everyone-else has, it’s a problem. Similarly, if your daughter’s pursuit of her goal makes her stressed out and robotic- it bears looking at. In short, though many of your daughter’s classmates may share her mindset, she obviously is impacted in a big way and you want to help.

So, Mom, start off by giving yourself some credit. Instead of enjoying the short-term blessing of a daughter who is the ‘top’ student, you want the very best for her in the long run: a relaxed school experience and a true interest in learning and growing.

Though your daughter is a strong student, it sounds like she suffers from grade anxiety. This is common among her peers, but distinctly unpleasant nevertheless. It is also a bit catchy. Students with grade anxiety tend to be found in clusters- in particular classes or schools.

Grade anxiety leads to physical symptoms. The students may suffer headaches, like your daughter. Others have stomachaches or insomnia. The student feels terrible stress and is often plagued by feelings of perfectionism.

As we all know, stress does not bring out the best in us- or in our children. It makes them lose perspective and ignore their health in pursuit of their goal. Students may become cut-throat competitive or ‘teacher’s pet’ in their efforts to press their advantage over others. Some students may even resort to cheating or plagiarism to maintain their edge.

Perhaps the worst feature of grade anxiety is that it leads to an utter distortion of values. Instead of concentrating on the process of learning, the opening of new horizons, and the development of every aspect of the brain – the student just memorizes some facts. While some students may retain these facts forever, many don’t. Basically, the memorize-spit back method results in the miseducation of our students.

So, what’s a parent to do?

I think you have begun dealing with this by not buying into the system. I imagine that you have tried to share your views with your daughter. You might also try to get her to see the difference between excellence and perfection. Clarify that we always try to do the best we can – which is our level of excellence. But, striving for perfection in one area is always at the cost of another. She may get the grade, but is forgoing her health with the headaches. By talking about this with your daughter, and making sure to model this yourself, you can encourage the striving for excellence, not perfection.

Though there is lots of reinforcement for the student with the highest grades, you can choose to be more judicious in your response. Yes, you are proud of your daughter’s achievements, but in every area- not just grades. What is important to you is character, refined behavior, and appropriate social skills. You are always on the lookout for other talents and skills to praise and encourage. Good grades are only one of the many achievements that you value in your daughter.

A word of caution here. Does your daughter hear you boasting about her brilliance and  her high average? You may not realize that you are sending a mixed message here and reinforcing your daughter's behavior by boasting of it in her earshot. She has to see that you mean what you say: that you take pride in her fine character and good deeds – and that is what you kvellabout with others.

A well-rounded and grounded young woman is the goal. To foster maximum growth and development, encourage your daughter to throw away her blinders and narrow focus. Instead, have her use a wide angled lens to look at her world and all the possibilities and opportunities therein.

Reprinted from Binah magazine.