Dear Dr T,

Who invented homework? Every night we face torture and chaos as my older children [ages 8 -11] try to get their homework done. I feel trapped in this nightly struggle and am afraid to leave for a simcha or even an errand.  By the end of the night, I feel like I have gone through a war and that my children are the enemy. We definitely need some help in getting a handle on this situation.

Dr T,

You are not alone in finding homework a daily hassle. Many parents feel both helpless and clueless – and have no idea how to address this nightly challenge. When parents do offer to help their children, it too often results in a tug of war. It is not unusual for both the parents and children to feel frustrated and close to tears by bedtime- and homework undone.

There are many reasons that homework is so challenging. Sometimes it is a teacher issue: the assigned work is too much, poorly explained, or beyond the child’s ability. Other times, it may be the child’s issue: the child is a perfectionist [so he takes forever to get it ‘right’], a procrastinator, disorganized, or underachieving. It could even be a family issue- a discipline issue in disguise which results in a power struggle.  Any and all of these factors can be at play and wreaking havoc in your home.

As in all important issues, there is no ‘answer.’ However, you can develop a plan to facilitate this process and ease the tension in your home. What follows is a basic plan, effective for the typical situation.

Begin by communicating with your child’s teacher[s]. Discuss his/her expectations and whether they are realistic considering the age and schedule of your child. The National Parent-Teacher Association recommends ten minutes homework per grade [a second grader does 20, a sixth grader 60]. However, since our children have a dual curriculum and stay in school later and then ride a school bus home, there probably needs to be some adjustment of that formula. Hopefully, the parents’ input will help modify and calibrate the load.

Then, take a good, hard look at your child. Does he need glasses? Does she get adequate sleep and exercise so that she can function at her best? Does he have a healthy diet or is he subsisting on junk food and nosh? Is your child anxious, depressed, or hyped up and on spilkes? Any and all of these physical considerations have a tremendous impact on a child’s ability to do work.

Once you have addressed these issues, you are ready, together with your child, to develop a consistent schedule. Your child’s input and opinion helps ensure the success of The Plan.

The Plan:

-Space – In the kitchen near you? In the privacy of his bedroom? Decide together what space works best for your child and set it up.

-Organization - Have all the supplies [pens, books] available in his space so that your child can get to work asap. Teach your child how to keep a homework pad. Help his organize his backpack. Help him decide what to do- and when [first math for 10 minutes, then reading for fifteen]. For the older child, you may also want to help him organize his time for the larger projects [read book first week, write an outline second etc.]

-Time Schedule- After dinner? After snack? Make up a time that works and stick to it. Consistency makes the work happen without the negotiation of  ‘ten more minutes…or later.’

-Support – Providing your support is critical here. It doesn’t mean giving the answers, but it does mean some availability to give direction when your child is lost, can’t follow directions, does not understand the assignment etc. Guidance, not answers, is what you are aiming for.

-Praise and positive reinforcement- Why not try turning it around? Instead of threatening and ordering, try praising your child regularly for his efforts. Positive reinforcement works, as anyone who hates his job and likes his paycheck can tell you.

A basic plan such as described here should help make homework routine and automatic. Once a schedule is put into place, homework quickly becomes a non-issue. It fades into the fabric of the evening- dinner, wash-up etc.

However, if homework is still a major issue in your home, you need to become more involved and begin to advocate for your child. When the situation is out-of-control and beyond the norm, there are a number of steps you might consider.

1.  Communicate again with staff and let them know that your child is feeling overwhelmed. Perhaps you and the teacher can come up with a limit on the amount of time spent on homework so that the work feels more manageable for your child.

2.  Consider having your child evaluated by professionals to see whether there is any learning or attention problem that interferes with learning.

3.  Sometimes a tutor, someone from outside the family, may work better with your daughter. Trying to actually do homework with your child is like learning to drive with your spouse. Not recommended!

4.  Look honestly at the emotional climate in your home. Is there a lot of screaming? Fighting? Arguing? Sibling issues? Children are very susceptible to conflict and distress and a negative atmosphere definitely impacts on your child’s ability to function.

5.  Is your child’s non-compliance here a symptom of his larger war with you? If you are engaged in a power struggle with your child, homework may just be one of the many battlefields. It is difficult to distinguish between can’t [lacks the ability] and won’t [oppositional.]

An effective parent is one third detective and two thirds miracle worker. So, after you troubleshoot the homework conundrum in your family, get to work on solving the puzzle that is your child and help him achieve success.

Reprinted from Binah Magazine