Dear Dr. T.,

 My six-year-old daughter - a bright, friendly first-grader – goes crazy for nosh. From the minute, she wakes up ‘til the second she goes to sleep, she begs for junk. Though we are quite liberal and generous, and always make sure that she has what other kids her age have, she badgers us relentlessly when there is a possibility of more- i.e. a Kiddush, ‘goody-bags’ or Yom tov.

No matter what the ‘deal’ or promise, she always finds a way to wheedle and nudge us.

 May I point out that in school, she is super-bright, popular, and well behaved?

However, at home we feel that she is learning to be manipulative, developing atrocious eating habits, and engaging in an endless power struggle with us.

Any ideas?

Dr T.,

 With the proliferation of every kind of nosh imaginable, and the myriad venues [school, supermarket, eateries] where the nosh is omnipresent, it has to be difficult for vulnerable child [and adult!] to resist temptation. Though many a child is indifferent or unaffected by the riches around him, your child is not.

  A typical six year old has not yet mastered the art of managing her wants and needs, in your daughter’s case -for nosh. Her youthful inability to control herself makes her persistent and relentless. The fact that the nosh is there further spurs her resolve to get it: hence, the endless begging and bargaining. In short, though this issue rightfully troubles you, this is not a troubled child, as is evidenced by the larger picture -her school performance. In fact, I would guess that lots of my readers have this very same concern.

 So, here’s a tip. We cannot change the child, so we must change his/her environment.

We all know this basic principle of human behavior -most of us are, after all, married. We simply cannot change another person; only he can choose to change himself. Because in this case your daughter simply lacks the ability to change her behavior at this point, you must change the environment for her so that she is not constantly challenged by a force greater than she – the call of the nosh.

 Modifying the environment is basic to all behavior change. As adults, we do this all the time. We don’t walk into a bakery when we are dieting. Environment matters – particularly to the impressionable child.

 Creating a healthy environment is a wonderful step towards being a proactive parent. Rather than permit an environment that stimulates poor behavior and  our negative reaction [nosh and punish], be proactive and structure the environment so that the behavior does not happen [eliminate the temptation]. It is always easier to prevent behavior than to let it happen and then have to deal with it.

 So, here are some suggestions for developing an environment where nosh plays less of a role.

 -Make available - and serve- healthy food. Though there is no way to force a child to eat, having the food present and on hand may eventually tempt her to fill up on healthy stuff and have less need for junk. Be patient- we are talking years here.

 -Limit junk food in the home. Avoid the really unhealthy [candy] and mega-size bags which invite doubles. Buy the exact amount of individual snack bags for lunches – no extras. Once your daughter gets used to the fact that there is no stuff lying around, she will ask for it less often.

 -Be consistent. When sometimes there is and sometimes there isn’t, your child will learn to beg for the ‘good times.’ If this means hoarding your private stash in some undisclosed location, so be it.

 -Avoid environments that are a tease or difficult for your daughter to negotiate. This often includes markets, toy stores with nosh bags up front, or eateries that have gumball machines with small candies. It is unfair take a child into an environment that she clearly cannot handle and is overwhelming for her -and then expect her to behave. That would be similar to offering an alcoholic one drink from a full bottle.

 -If you must take your daughter with you to a tempting venue like a market, make a very clear deal with her beforehand. [‘You may have one bag of chips.’]  As you walk into the store, ask your daughter to reiterate the deal. [‘Remind me, Rochel. What is our deal?’] If your daughter violates the deal, leave the store asap. Though leaving makes your life difficult, your daughter needs to learn that you mean business and stop pestering you.

 -When going to family for a shabbos or yom tov, engage your family’s co-operation. Explain how lots of nosh presents a problem and that you would appreciate their help in monitoring and/or limiting the situation.

 Another basic principle in chinuch is ignoring: what you don’t see, you don’t need to address. The point here is that we cannot pester our children without some pushback [disobedience, rebellion, chutzpah]. So, the astute parent always picks his battles, rather than picking endlessly at the child’s minor infractions. Thus we avoid negative interactions.

 So, in the spirit of ‘choosing our battles’, decide that once the parameters are set and there is an environment  geared to your child’s success, decide to look away from any infractions in a different  environment – one not of your making. So, for example, when you attend a kiddush or family simcha and  nosh is everywhere, simply avoid noticing or commenting on the amount of junk your daughter grabs. Ditto for school functions and the ubiquitous ‘goody bag.’ Because the environment is hefkar and you do not have input or control, treat these situations as a non-issue. Decide that you are not ‘giving up control’ but rather making a healthy choice to avoid a power struggle that would be detrimental to your relationship.

 To the uninitiated, this situation may seem trivial.

However, it is in these small battlefields that we play out our family conflicts and learn to resolve issues. The wise parent remembers that when there is power struggle with a child, we always lose. Because, when we lose, we lose. But, when we win, we have a defeated child.

So, hatzlocha to you in the Potato Chip Wars. In the Battle of the Nosh, may you and your daughter both emerge winners.

 Reprinted from Binah Magazine.

 Image courtesy of Paul at FreeDigitalPhotos.net