Parenting with Purpose

Dear Dr T,

There is an issue that I struggle with – and I’m hoping you can help me achieve some clarity. My husband is very ‘correct’ – maybe even midas hadin- and this is the source of much tension and stress in the home.

He was raised by very strict parents, and he wants to bring up his children the way he was raised, particularly in the area of kibud av v’am. At times, though, it seems to me that he borders on being unreasonable – as when he will ask a six year old to get him a drink the minute the child is served, or when he insists that the older children interrupt their homework when he needs something. My 10 year old son’s rebbe feels that my husband’s strict approach is problematic and has suggested that ‘we talk to someone’, but my husband won’t consider it.

Whether my husband is appropriate or not, I don’t know. But, I do know that there a lot of tension and resentment in the home.

What do you suggest?

Dr T,

The issue you raise is a complex one because it is the result of two separate issues: your husband’s personality and his belief system.

Your husband, it seems, is the kind of man who is a medakdek, particularly in mitzvos. He also no doubt operates in terms of ‘black and white’- what’s right is right and what’s wrong is wrong- no extenuating circumstances. He focuses on the issue in front of him [the child’s duty] and has trouble seeing the larger picture [the context – time, place, family - and his relationship with his child]. He may additionally have a strong need for validation and respect from his children; hence his hyper- focus on obedience. I would imagine that in his dealing with you and others in his life, he requires the highest standard of behavior and is disappointed – even angry- when his expectations are not met. And, though some adults may be personally successful with this personality profile, these expectations can have some negative ramifications when imposed on others, particularly children.

In addition to your husband’s exacting personality is the issue of his belief system. He firmly believes that he is in the right and that the old ways and the letter of the law is the gold standard. Perhaps these beliefs stem from the feeling of ‘my parents did this to me and I’m ok.’ Or, maybe- out of a confused sense of loyalty to parents – and their generation- he feels he needs to uphold their ‘way.’ Possibly he feels that the ‘new way’ is misguided – a result of secular influences and modern psychology. Whatever the case, the bottom line here is that not only does his personality determine his behavior, but, he also has a whole belief system to support his views.

You are in a difficult situation here. You see that your husband’s overbearing style breeds resentment, yet you are up against someone who is not likely to be open to change. His ducks are all in a row – he is consistent in operating this way, he ‘knows’ he is right, and he has plenty of backup and his own life experience to confirm his beliefs. Even were he open to going for counseling or some parenting classes, I wonder of it would have much of an effect on him.

Your best shot here may be to find some highly respected Rav, rosh yeshiva, or mechanech who is both knowledgeable in these issues, and someone that your husband reveres and trusts. This is certainly not a one appointment deal; you need to check beforehand that the Rav is open to more than one session and to some on-going contact with your husband. I hope that the Rav will be successful in slowly getting through to your husband. Ideally, he can help transition your husband to some on-going professional help. In the best of worlds, your husband’s relaxing of standards will breed a better atmosphere in the home, and this improvement will encourage your husband to be open to continued change.

There are a number of points that I would like to share that may help you achieve some clarity. It is often hard to figure out what we think when we share a world with someone who is strong-minded and resistant to our ideas.

Chinuch is not a short term [do kibud av now!]- but, rather a long term [willingly keep the mitzvah of kibud av] process. The best way to accomplish this goal is by setting up your child to succeed in this endeavor.  However, when we make a mitzva challenging and difficult, we condition the child to fail both now and in the future. In fact, the shulchan eruch says that a parent may not be overbearing or too medakdek in the mitzvah of kibud av because it may cause his child to transgress. Asking for immediate obedience is hard on your child and is leading to resentment today and chas v’shalom an aveira tomorrow.

In addition, while your husband’s style may have been typical in an earlier time, it is certainly out of step with our world today. Rav Pam ztz’l had the view that society today has a different view of authority than previous times. He felt that in an authoritarian world one could command one’s children; however, today’s democracy calls for co-operation instead. Our adjusting to our times- for better or worse- does not reflect negatively on earlier generations: it is simply dealing with a current reality. However, trying to force an older model on a current world is a poor fit and can become a source of much negativity in the home.

I urge you, for your children’s sake and for the sake of your sholom bayis, to begin searching for someone who can help you deal with this situation. Hatzlocho in finding a way to be mechanech your children with nachas ruach and simcha.

Reprinted from Binah Magazine.