Dear Dr T.,

 I enjoyed your recent  column about concrete ways [diet, sleep, exercise] of helping our children be successful in school. Are there also some attitudes and expectations that parents can develop that would further support their children’s success?

 Dr. T.,

 That’s a great question!

You are so right. Parenting is far more than the concrete, physical tasks that we perform for our children daily; it involves the parents’ attitudes and values as well. Here are some thoughts on how a parent’s attitude affects his child’s learning experience.

 To succeed, we have to want to succeed, and work hard to achieve success. In short, for a child to do well in school, this goal has to be a priority in the family. Most people actually give lip-service to this notion: when questioned, both parent and child alike will say that doing well in school is important. However, it is not the words that count: it is the many complex and consistent steps that a parent and a child must take in order to achieve the desired goal. And, though there are always those creative geniuses who seem to fly effortlessly through life’s tasks, most of us need to work hard to succeed.

 The first step to school success is deceptively simple: come to school everyday, ontime.

Missing a day, or part of a day, is not just a matter of the hours missed; most children become disoriented when they join the class in middle of a lesson, just as their parents might feel if they came late to an important meeting. However, it is not only the missing of learning that is significant; it is the attitude behind the absence/lateness. When there is no true need [illness, medical appointment], what is reflected is a casual attitude at best and a subversive attitude [the school can’t tell us what to do!] at worst. Not only does the parents’ attitude influence the child’s attendance, but it more than likely spills over into other areas as well. Making school a priority means recognizing that school is the child’s work and needs to be respected and taken seriously.

 However, on the other hand, I do recommend one free mental health day per year per child. Ideally, the day is chosen the night before to obviate the “I don’t want to go to school today” syndrome. In fact, this free day eliminates that kind of early morning grousing because it lets the child know that there is exactly one day when he does not have to go. The free day concept encourages problem solving and delaying of gratification as well. Even a young child can learn to save “for later”, the value of a day in the bank, and that “you can’t have your cake and eat it.” Some parents, as the end of the year draws near, allow their child to redeem the free day for a sum of money. Ultimately, even if the child redeems his free day for cash, the day has served its purpose: to hold out the promise of space when it is sorely needed.

 Good parenting dictates that you are a partner with your child’s school, not an adversary. As in any partnership, there may be many qualities that you don’t like in your partner, but – you choose to overlook them so that you can work effectively together. In the same vein, parents get to choose the school their children attend and, then despite their inevitable disappointments, need to remain supportive, available, and involved. When the parent challenges the school – in attitude, words, or deeds- it is confusing and upsetting to the child. The school and his parents are the two stable authorities in his life, and when they conflict, the child has divided loyalties. The child feels forced to take sides, and this emotional tug-of-war impacts on his academic success and ability ‘to join the system.’

 The mature parent recognizes that once he has chosen a school for his child, it is in his child’s best interest to support that school and minimize any unintentional mixed messages. However, it is important to note at this point that I am not advocating the black and white  “teacher is always right” approach. It is always a parent’s role to be his child’s advocate. What is crucial though is that conflict is managed with co-operation and good will, not with rancor, but with the spirit of - “Let’s work it out.”

 In my clinical practice, I have often heard of a parent’s struggle with this above issue. As always, I welcome your comments and input on this delicate balance, as well as on any other matter on your mind.

Reprinted with remission from Bimah magazine.