School Success
Dear Dr. T,
With the advent of this new school year, I am more determined than ever to help my children – grades 2 thru 10- do the very best they can in school. But, is that really possible? How can I help my child when my child is outside my home?
Dr. T,
The parenting factor is a crucial one in a child’s success in school, particularly in the early years. For the typical child, the parent’s input, style, attitudes, and expectations can help determine whether a child will be successful in the school setting. [When a child has some special need –as, for example, in the area of learning, attention, etc.- the picture is obviously more complex.] Because parenting input is so large a topic, I will address this topic in two columns: this month’s column will talk about practical, concrete issues while next column will look at social-emotional concerns.
Children [and adults] who feel well perform well. A well-regulated child – who has enough rest, food, drink and exercise-is in the best position to fulfill his potential. Conversely, a child who is tired or hungry finds it hard to concentrate, sit in his seat, learn, and/or behave. It is the parent, not the teacher, who bears responsibility for these basic physiological functions. Though this seems simplistic and self evident, let’s look at these regulatory functions more closely.
Though it is probably safe to say that most children in our yeshiva system have enough food, it is equally true that many eat the wrong type of food. To grow- physically and mentally- children need to eat from all the food groups. So, though a dieting parent may forego any carbohydrates or fats, the child needs some of each in order to develop properly. Many a family relies on an assortment of fast food meals [check out your local supermarket!] which do not have the balance required. And many children beg and pester their parents for lots of junk food which the children then rely on to get them though the day. But, as responsible, knowledgeable adults we know that to maximize our children’s doing well, they need to eat a hearty breakfast, bring a protein-filled lunch, and eat a complete dinner- replete with all the food groups.
There is no magic formula that will turn our children into healthy eaters. Among the myriad suggestions, here are some that have proven to be successful in some situations. The first idea acknowledges that we can have no control over another, even a child. So, the concept is- the parent decides what[fast food or fish, fruit or fruit roll-ups] and the child decides when and how much. The logic behind this formula is that minimizing the power struggle frees the child to make better choices. The second idea addresses the school as a partner in the child’s health and mandates, for example, that children may not bring shehakol snacks to school. Though this rule does not insure healthy snacks, at the very least, it eliminates candy and soda from our schools.
A second regulatory function in the parents’ domain is sleep. Unfortunately, this is oft-cited as the most challenging task of the parents’ day – getting the kids to bed- and many a parent just throws up his hands in despair and gives up. The sequel to the delayed bedtime is the inevitable failure of the children to wake up in a timely fashion, and a vicious cycle sets in. How much sleep your child needs varies from child to child, but, here is a convenient rule of thumb. Your child needs to go to sleep at a time that allows him to wake up comfortably by himself in the morning: well- rested and able to work. In bedtime, as in most parenting issues, consistency is the goal. Barring an occasional family simcha or community event, the child has a well-established pre-determined bedtime that is known to him. Establishing bedtime routines that include hygiene regimens, down-time activities, and individual parent time is an excellent way to help your child navigate the passage from wakefulness to sleep.
Adequate exercise is the third requirement for a healthy body and mind. Regrettably, our dual curriculum schools leave precious little time for this, and our oft-overcrowded facilities compound the problem. However, because exercise is a legitimate health need, not simply a recreational want- we need to make exercise a priority. Encourage group walking as opposed to carpooling, enroll your child in after-school physical activities [dance, not art], and seek ways to partner with your child’s school to increase the amount of exercise in the school day.
Not only are parents instrumental in helping to achieve the self-regulation necessary for efficient functioning, but parents can also teach their children to be proactive and organized for a day of success. Once the child has had time to decompress from a day’s activities and has had some down- time, its time to begin thinking about the next day. What homework assignments are due? What special requests have been made [money for a trip, supplies for being shabbos Mommy or Tatty etc.]? What supplies need to be replenished? Encourage your child to develop the habit of planning ahead. What clothing does he need/want for the next day? What would he like to prepare for his lunch? Not only does this kind of preparation insure a well-organized experience, but it also prevents that night-marish early morning rush. And, getting your child in the habit of being proactive is a vital step in his future success.
By attending to your child’s basic needs, you send him off to school ready and able to do the very best that he can do. Next month we will look at some of our attitudes and expectations and how they impact our children’s performance.