Our Gemara on Amud Beis discusses a scenario where a daughter who is a minor accepts marriage in front of her father but without his explicit consent. The Gemara discusses what to make of his silence: is it assent or seething anger?

This highlights an important aspect of human nature – a person can feel so trapped in a situation that he will externally comply while internally boiling with anger.

As parents and educators, when we find ourselves in situations where we need to enforce compliance, we must ask ourselves: Is compliance the same as willful agreement? Do such tactics actually lead to internalizing the values and morals driving the rules? Will we produce good citizens of the world or good Jews? Common sense tells us that children sometimes need to be disciplined and contained, even intimidated if necessary, to habituate observance of basic rules and moral precepts. The verses in Mishley (22:6 and 14:24) suggest the importance of early guidance and discipline:

"Train a lad in the way he ought to go; he will not swerve from it even in old age."

"He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him early."

However, common sense and experience also tell us that an angry, resentful person is not likely to engage in higher-order thinking, and mere obedience when it comes to moral and spiritual matters is greatly insufficient. This is why many educators and mechanchim advocate for focusing on praise and positive reinforcement.

While this approach has merit, I believe there is a deeper issue at play. There is a natural drive toward competency and mastery. This drive is what motivates even the youngest children to learn how to walk and talk, despite the overwhelming effort it requires. Therefore, while discipline and enforcement are essential in any system, whether it is a family, a school, or a country, the internalization of the rules and values will occur only if it confers a sense of competency, belonging, and security. Such feelings are partially subjective, and individuals may seek them through different means, whether through obedience or rebellion.

If an adult conveys tension or projects a personal investment in compliance, it can turn into a power struggle. Children can sense whether you are speaking in their interest or seeking power. Even if you become intense and upset, it is understood as coming from care and concern if that is how you really feel.

Positive reinforcement and staying calm are valuable approaches, but at their core, it is more about the feelings you project. If it becomes a fight to win, it invites a struggle because of the natural wish to control and feel powerful. It's important to make sure your child feels that you want them to succeed and believe in their abilities. When you trust them and involve them in the decision-making process, it fosters a sense of responsibility and confidence.

We will delve further into parenting approaches related to religion in a later discussion in Psychology of the Daf, Kiddushin 50.

Translations Courtesy of Sefaria, except when, sometimes, I disagree with the translation

Do you like what you see? Please subscribe and also forward any articles you enjoy to your friends, (enemies too, why not?)