Our Gemara on Amud Aleph discusses why a found item of a minor belongs to the father: “Because the minor does not intend to acquire it for himself, as when he finds it, he runs with it to his father.”

The propensity of this young boy speaks of a form of attachment that fathers specifically enact. A father might toss his child in the air, simultaneously terrifying and delightfing him or her. While mother stands for safety and nurturing, father smells of the mysteries of the outside world. He is the one who leaves the house (mother, womb), and comes back from his quests with the great totems of manhood, car keys, wallet, hat etc. The child too, bravely forays into the world, makes a discovery, and then brings it to his father so he would be proud.

Researcher Daniel Paquette discusses the psychological process that fathers bring to the parenting of a child (“Theorizing the Father-Child Relationship: Mechanisms and Developmental Outcomes”, Human Development, August 2004.):

“Fathers play a particularly important role in the development of children’s openness to the world. Men seem to have a tendency to excite, surprise, and momentarily destabilize children; they also tend to encourage children to take risks, while at the same time ensuring the latter’s safety and security, thus permitting children to learn to be braver in unfamiliar situations, as well as to stand up for themselves.”

However, in order to encourage risk, there must be a sense of safety. A roller coaster is fun because it makes you afraid, but you also know (hope?) that it is engineered to be safe. This is why:

“…this dynamic can only be effective in the context of an emotional bond between father and child; this relationship is termed the father-child activation relationship, in contrast to the mother-child attachment relationship aimed at calming and comforting children in times of stress. The activation relationship is developed primarily through physical play. It is postulated, in particular, that father-child rough-and-tumble play encourages obedience and the development of competition skills in children.”

Paquette reports further:

“Moreover, during physical play, fathers use teasing to destabilize children both emotionally and cognitively. As pointed out by Labrell [1996], both irregularities and regularities are important to cognitive development, and children need to learn to deal with unexpected events. According to Le Camus [1995a], the need of children to be stimulated, pushed and encouraged to take risks is as great as their need for stability and security.”

We see that a father’s natural tendency toward aggression goads and challenges the child to develop autonomy and self-efficacy. But the child only does that when he feels he can still fall back on the father for emotional support. Fairness, consistency, patience but also expectations with a form of optimism and belief the child can meet the challenges successfully, are a part of a good father-child bond. This propels the child toward emotional and psychological independence, which is necessary for health productivity and relationships.

Translations Courtesy of Sefaria, except when, sometimes, I disagree with the translation

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