Our Gemara on amud aleph records a discussion between Ulla and the Babylonian sages, where Ulla takes a strong position regarding how one should be careful in what he says and implies at a mourner’s home:
Ulla said to them: What business do I have with the consolation of Babylonians, which is actually heresy? As they say while consoling mourners: What can be done? This seems to suggest that if it were possible to do something, acting against the Almighty’s decree, they would do so, which is tantamount to heresy. Therefore, Ulla declined to accompany the Babylonian Sages.
Whether the halakha is in accordance with Ulla or the sages is a matter of some debate, (for example, see Shalah Shaar Haosiyos, Shetika). Regardless of whether this is technically permitted or not, it brings to mind the importance of being careful with what you say at a Shiva house. We know that out of the anxiety that proximity to death brings, people say the most foolish things, mostly to ward away their own sense of helplessness. Some examples include:
- People suggest doctors and hospitals that cured their uncle, even though clearly the niftar is no longer alive and beyond cures.
- People come at late hours in order to fulfill “their” mitzvah.
- People tell mourners how they should feel: “You should feel happy, at least he didn’t suffer.“
- “You should feel happy, at least he didn’t live like a vegetable for five years like my aunt Henya.”
- “You should feel terribly sad at the loss of such a great and wonderful Tzaddik that he/she was (meanwhile, this child suffered under an abusive and tyrannical parent.)
- And of course, last but not least, they decide how long the person should have lived. “She lived until she was 90, she had a full life. You should be grateful.” Yes, that makes a lot of sense. Most people who are 90 and healthy say to themselves, “I have lived long enough. I’m perfectly fine with suddenly dropping dead of a heart attack right now.“
It is actually forbidden to begin speaking before the mourner starts to speak (Shulkhan Arukh YD 376:1 and Moed Kattan 28b.) This halakha clearly is designed to promote a fundamental awareness of the urge to blab in the face of death anxiety, and the need to combat it.
Another Talmudic source for respecting the mourner’s needs, and not one’s own psychological projections, comes from Moed Kattan (21b)
Rabbi Meir said: One who finds another in mourning after twelve months and speaks to him words of consolation, to what may this situation be likened? To a person who broke his leg and it healed, and afterward a physician found him and said to him: Come to me, for I will break it a second time and then I will heal it, so that you may know how good my medicines are and how well they work. And it is similarly codified in Shulkhan Arukh YD 385:2.
The idea being expressed by the Gemara is that the person is so in love with his own ability to comfort that he does not care about the actual mourner’s needs. It is like a physician who breaks another person’s leg in order to show how competent he is at healing it.
And then we have those who seem to know why Hashem does what he does, and make pronouncements about mass tragedies. Years ago when there was a shooting at a certain synagogue that was not Orthodox, celebrating a bris of a homosexual couple, some suggested this was God’s punishment. In more recent news, some have suggested that many of the victims of October 7 who were engaged in a rave party, which must have involved dozens of religious transgressions, somehow were specially singled out for God’s wrath. The logical problem with this is that if the hand of God is so swift to punish wrongdoers nowadays, I think many of us have a preferred top hit list. Such as Nazis in hiding or active child molesters. I don’t think hedonistic youth hits the same degree of moral outrage and danger to society, although they do pose dangers to society to be sure. The halakhic problem with such announcements is what the Gemara in Bava Metzia (58b) describes as the error of Iyov’s friends who gave him mussar for his purported wrongdoings instead of comfort and company:
If torments are afflicting a person, if illnesses are afflicting him, or if he is burying his children, one may not speak to him in the manner that the friends of Job spoke to him (Job 4:6–7), implying the cause for his suffering was that he sinned, as otherwise he would not have suffered misfortune.
This is despite Berachos (5a) telling a person who is suffering to examine his actions and repent. The difference is, this is what a person should reflect on his own, and not what others should insensitively say.
Of course, it is the role of Torah leaders to appropriately and compassionately give rebuke and mussar to people, and most especially if there are communal woes and the resultant need for prayer and repentance. But, tact, humility and wisdom is essential.
Translations Courtesy of Sefaria, except when, sometimes, I disagree with the translation 
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