Does the Talmud believe in romance?

Our Gemara on amud aleph discusses a woman who has a substantial complaint regarding her husband’s fitness, which in and of itself is subject to several different interpretations:

A woman who says: Heaven is between me and you, the court deals with the matter by way of a request.

This complaint, “Heaven is between me and you”, has the appearance of a euphemism, as otherwise why would she not express herself explicitly?

Rashi here says she is claiming he is not intimate with her “in the manner of most men”.  It is unclear from this Rashi if he means she is claiming he has unusual sexual practices, or simply that he is impotent, which is a peshat mentioned by Meiri (Yevamos 65a), but rejected. Similarly, Ran and Rashba (Nedarim 91a) interpet her complaint to be that he is unable to ejaculate properly, thereby denying her children.  Both of these explanations are understood from the phrase “Heaven is between me and you”, meaning to say, “Only God can know the truth of this matter, as it takes place in private.”  In a variation on this, Ritva (Nedarim 90b) quotes the Yershalmi (Nedarim 11:12) that she is reporting that her husband is as far away from her as heaven is from Earth.  This implies her complaint may be broader than technical sexual dysfunction but also emotional distance.

The Gemara’s description of the legal response to her complaint is also cryptic; they deal with it “by way of request”, derech bakasha.  Tosafos (Yevamos 65a) offers two explanations: 

(1) Encourage her to make peace with him, or him with her (see Rashi on this daf), or both of them to make peace (see Ritva Nedarim 91b). The rabbis of the Beis Din sponsor some kind of festive meal, almost like what is called in secular culture, a renewal of vows, or a second honeymoon.

(2) The “request” is actually in terms of prayer to God that the husband be healed from his dysfunction.

The two peshatim in Tosafos respectively correspond with whether the complaint is about general emotional distance and dissatisfaction or physical dysfunction.

The Tosefta (Sotah 5:7) has a novel way of understanding this complaint, based on the similarity of the phrase, “Heaven is between me and you” to what the matriarch Sarah said to Avraham (Bereishis 16:5): “Hashem shall judge the matter between you and I.” The simple flow of the verses sound as if Sarah is angry with Avraham over the matter of Hagar, and indeed Gemara Bava Kama (93a) criticizes Sarah for taking such an antagonistic tone, close to even cursing Avraham.  However, the Tosefta sees Sarah’s words and intentions differently.  The quarrel between Sarah and Avraham was over a principled matter. Sarah felt that Yishmael was a bad influence, as he began to go down a path of idolatry and promiscuity.  Avraham felt that there would be a Chillul Hashem in that Hagar made many sacrifices to join this family and be under the wings of the Shekhina. If so, how could they then throw her out?  Sarah suggested that they appeal to God for guidance.  So too, the Tosefta suggests that for the generations, when there is a difference of opinion between husband and wife they should appeal in prayer for guidance from God.

According to this interpretation, both the phrase “Heaven is between me and you”, as well as, “they shall make a request” is referring to appealing to God.

A number of thoughts come up for me about this segment.  First of all, I am tickled by the idea of Beis Din sponsoring some kind of second honeymoon.  It is important for us to understand that couples need romantic experiences in order to renew, and this is not just a modern invention. 

It is not necessary for matters to get so out of hand, that you are in divorce court.  To the contrary, catch problems early, and when you start to feel distant (even if not as far as Heaven from Earth), make the time for a romantic interlude or get away.  

The other idea is that when couples sincerely and respectfully disagree, they should appeal to God for guidance.  While we do not have prophets, believe me, God has a way of letting you know what He wants if you are listening to the messages he sends.

Translations Courtesy of Sefaria, except when, sometimes, I disagree with the translation

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