Our Gemara on Amud aleph discusses the legal status of  documents called “Shtarei Berirun”. According to one opinion, is a written record of each litigant’s claims.

The straightforward understanding of why the claims are written and agreed upon is that this way neither party can retract and modify their claims. (Rashbam, Bava Basra 168a, “Shtarei”.)

There also can be a psychological reason for this. At the very least, each person wants to be heard. Aside from the official role of the dayanim as arbiters of justice, win or lose, it feels good to be validated. The Yerushalmi Sanhedrin (3:8) learns from Solomon’s explicit review of each woman’s claim that a judge must repeat the arguments of each litigant (in the famous “cut the baby in half” story, Melachim I:3:23). Radak (ibid) explains this is in order that each person feels that their claims were heard, and therefore be more likely to accept the ruling. In Shemoneh Esre, we pray for the restoration of “judges of yore”, which leads to the “removal of sorrow and suffering”. This may not only be referring to the suffering of injustice, but also the pain of not being given a chance to be heard.

The Gemara (Eiruvin 13b) reflects that the School of Hillel merited to have the Halacha in accordance with their opinion because of the following practices: They were forbearing; they did not fight back when affronted, and when they taught the halacha they would teach both their own statements and the statements of Beis Shammai. Moreover, when they formulated their teachings and cited a dispute, they would first study the teachings of Beis Shammai before their own.

Tosafos Rid (ibid) says Beis Hillel’s practice of explaining all the angles thoroughly enabled them to render the correct judgment. 

I will add, this is despite the students of Beis Shammai being renowned for possessing keener intelligence (Yevamos 14a). Respectful and thorough study trumps intellectual horsepower.

As a couples therapist, I have observed that the number one marital complaint (more often by women) is the need “to feel seen.” This statement mystifies some men, and they defensively exclaim, “Whaddya mean? I see you right here!” 

“Seeing” another person means listening and accepting what he or she feels and thinks, without trying to filter or initially refute them. This is the first and foundational stage of listening and requires a mindful, curious and open presence. In this stage, it is not about what is wrong or right, or what needs to be fixed.  As Bais Hillel teaches, listening and fully considering the other perspective promotes better understanding, regardless of the conclusion. Carl Jung famously said, the degree to which you will influence others is the degree to which you are open to being influenced. 

Translations Courtesy of Sefaria, except when, sometimes, I disagree with the translation

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