Our Gemara discusses the problem of what happens when a new Cohin Godol is nominated due to an invalidation of the prior Cohen Godol.  When the original Cohen Godol recovers from whatever it is that invalidated him, he is restored the office. What do we do with the second appointee?

The Gemara says that we cannot demote him back to ordinary service because that would be a diminution of holiness. However, he cannot remain and share the office of high priest because it will lead to discord.

Let us meditate on the challenges of shared authority in relationships. It is recognized in human nature that two equal leaders do not often work well together. It is notable that even the greatest democracy in the world, the United States, could not see itself operating without a central leader, that being the President. True there are checks and balances, but there still is one leader. This is also famously captured in the rabbinic dictum, “Two kings cannot use the same crown“ (Chulin 60b). 

The most common challenge in modern marriages is, who is really in charge? I suggest the following way to manage shared authority between husband and wife. Instead of looking at it in an absolute, across-the-board manner, that someone has to be in charge, consider different arenas and areas of expertise or dominance. Different areas can be negotiated whereby one has a greater authority over the other, based on natural ability, inclination, practicality of roles etc. This authority is not to be abused. Rather, the one who has the privilege of dominance pledges to listen carefully and take into account fully the concerns of the other. But ultimately if no resolution can be arrived at, and push comes to shove, the dominant person has final authority.

These areas of expertise and dominance can be renegotiated from time to time.  They allow for each person to use their natural intuition and strength to guide the family. For example, a couple might agree that mother’s intuition is primary for children ages 0 to 5, and all decision making in regard to them at that point should be in her authority. She can listen carefully to the other side and make sure to take her husband’s view into account, but ultimately she has decision-making capacity. Similarly, a couple might agree that Mesivta age bochurim are under the purview of the father. He can consider his wife’s concerns carefully, but in the end he may know better about what goes on in a yeshiva and what his son needs. When it comes to finances, there seem to be differences that vary from person to person as opposed to gender. Sometimes a husband, and other times a wife, is more astute with managing finances.

The point of all this is to allow for an orderly process of compassionate collaboration without getting stuck in gridlock.

Translations Courtesy of Sefaria, except when, sometimes, I disagree with the translation

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