The Gemara on Amud Beis states: ⁦Rabbi Eliezer ben Ya’akov says, If one confesses in subsequent years, all the more so is he praiseworthy, as he remembers his earlier sins and is thereby humbled, as it is stated: “For I know my transgressions; and my sin is ever before me” (Psalms 51:5).”

This principle is used by our Gemara in reference to obtaining and maintaining God’s forgiveness. However, in my experience, this concept is prevalent and key when it comes to relationship transgressions, especially betrayals and traumas.  Often, a person who has sincerely worked to change themselves and humbly ask forgiveness can still be frustrated with their spouse who “cannot get over it“. The person who is violated has their own timetable. It can take time, and especially a great deal of discussion and emotional processing in order to Recover a sense of dignity and emotional safety. The person who was violated might feel the impatience and pressure by the other to forgive and let go. It is understandable the frustration on both sides. It might be exasperating if they have to hear, once again, how unsafe, how violated, scared, angry etc. that the person feels. Yet we must follow the paradigm set before us from the Torah. One must indeed always keep their past sins in front of them. Forgiveness might have been obtained, but there still may be a need to continue to hold onto it.

Sometimes it’s helpful to find out if there is an aspect, a dimension, even something apparently very minor, that hasn’t been fully addressed. You might ask the person who is having a hard time letting go, a hard time forgiving, “is there something that you feel that I don’t fully understand? Is there an aspect that you have not been able to fully voice to me and feel that I get the enormity of what I have done and the ways in which I hurt you?” This is painful and difficult work for sure, but it is the only way at times to move forward in a relationship.

Another thing to consider is sometimes it is hard to forgive the other because we are not able to forgive ourselves. An aspect of all trauma, even when logically it makes no sense, is the shame of victimhood. Someone who is mugged by an armed robber Who realistically did the smart thing in submitting, might still feel a tremendous shame. This is an innate Biopsychosocial process. There’s a part of the human spirit that resents greatly not being the top dog or alpha male. When you are a victim, no matter how much you are not to blame, there is still an aspect of shame and anger. This sometimes interferes in forgiving the other, because we can barely forgive ourselves for allowing whatever happened to happen.

Translations Courtesy of Sefaria, except when, sometimes, I disagree with the translation

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