Daf Yomi, Marriage Counseling, Psychotherapy, Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, Torah and Psychology
Our Gemara on Amud Aleph tells a famous story about a man who was in the throes of temptation, how his tzitzis saved him, and the subsequent good fortune that followed. The story speaks for itself; however, I will focus on a few interesting details:
“There was an incident involving a certain man who was careful about the mitzvah of tzitzis. This man heard that there was a prostitute in one of the cities overseas who took four hundred gold coins as her payment. He sent her four hundred gold coins and fixed a time to meet with her. When his time came, he came and sat at the entrance to her house…
She went up and sat naked on the top bed, and he too went up in order to sit naked facing her. In the meantime, his four ritual fringes came and slapped him on his face. He dropped down and sat himself on the ground, and she also dropped down and sat on the ground. She said to him: I take an oath by the gappa of Rome (king, or possibly a term for a deity) that I will not allow you to go until you tell me what defect you saw in me.
He said to her: I take an oath by the Temple service that I never saw a woman as beautiful as you. But there is one mitzvah that the Lord, our God, commanded us, and its name is tzitzis, and in the passage where it is commanded, it is written twice: ‘I am the Lord your God’ (Numbers 15:41). The doubling of this phrase indicates: I am the One who will punish those who transgress My mitzvos, and I am the One who will reward those who fulfill them. Now,” said the man, “the four sets of ritual fringes appeared to me as if they were four witnesses who will testify against me.”
She said to him: I will not allow you to go until you tell me: What is your name, and what is the name of your city, and what is the name of your teacher, and what is the name of the study hall in which you studied Torah? He wrote the information and placed it in her hand.
She arose and divided all of her property, giving one-third as a bribe to the government, one-third to the poor, and she took one-third with her in her possession, in addition to those beds of gold and silver.
She came to the study hall of Rabbi Ḥiyya and said to him: My teacher, instruct your students concerning me and have them make me a convert. Rabbi Ḥiyya said to her: My daughter, perhaps you set your sights on one of the students, and that is why you want to convert? She took the note the student had given her and gave it to Rabbi Ḥiyya. He said to her: Go take possession of what you rightfully acquired.
Those beds that she had arranged for him in a prohibited fashion, she now arranged for him in a permitted fashion.”
The Gemara completes its point about the reward of mitzvos and notes how this story illustrates the concept: This is the reward given to him in this world, and with regard to the World-to-Come, I do not know how much reward he will be given.
The beginning of the story introduces us to a man so consumed with lust that he sends his 400-zuz payment in advance. This is not incidental. The anticipatory state, and how much he paid, were an important part of his pleasure—possibly more than the actual act. In the cycle of sexual addiction, this is known as the “cruising phase,” where hours are spent searching for or preparing the fix. The dopamine and sexual stimulation generated during that phase are powerful.
Another interesting aspect of the story is how she reacted when he left the bed. With her confidence shaken and ego bruised, she demands that he explain why he did not find her attractive. Let us remember that this woman had a massive following on the ancient equivalent of Instagram or Facebook, such that she could demand a 400-zuz payment in advance. She was a star—yet deeply insecure, immediately assuming rejection due to some physical defect. That is the hazard of making one’s body a commodity instead of one’s soul, bodies deteriorate but souls are immortal. She may well have internalized this painful realization, which played a role in her conversion and abandonment of her lifestyle.
A related aspect of the story is that he took the time to reassure her that she was indeed beautiful. On a simple level, this was a fundamentally decent act toward another human being. That decency and their bond led to subsequent good fortune for both of them.
However, there may be another dimension. By acknowledging that she was attractive, he employed a counterintuitive strategy against overwhelming desire known as urge surfing, a term coined by Alan Marlatt as a method for addicts to cope with cravings. Instead of fighting urges—which is often futile—or excessively ruminating on them—which reinforces them—one accepts that strong urges rise and fall like waves. This requires self-awareness and honesty: accepting the feeling without obsession.
Had he denied her beauty, he would have entered an absurd struggle against obvious reality. By acknowledging her attractiveness, he discharged part of the psychological tension and allowed the emotional wave to pass.
A similar dynamic appears regarding the woman who attempted to seduce Rabbi Akiva (Ran Nedarim 50b). Rabbi Akiva cried and lamented: “This beauty will one day waste into the ground.” On a simple level, he reminded himself of life’s ephemerality. Yet he did not need to comment on her beauty at all. It seems that Rabbi Akiva, too, intuitively practiced a form of urge surfing—acknowledging reality without indulging or suppressing it, allowing desire to move through consciousness and dissipate.
Translations Courtesy of Sefaria, except when, sometimes, I disagree with the translation
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Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, LCSW-R, LMFT, DHL is a psychotherapist who works with high conflict couples and families. He can be reached via email at simchafeuerman@gmail.com