Our Gemara on Amud Aleph discusses the status of an animal properly slaughtered; however, the knife itself was used for non-kosher substances, and therefore has a potential to transmit the non-kosher into the flesh of the animal’s throat. There is an opinion that nothing gets absorbed into the meat of the animal, and it simply needs to be rinsed off. One explanation that is offered is that since at the moment of the slaughtering the flesh in that location is occupied with positive pressure of the blood flowing out, it is not able to absorb any of the non-kosher substances. This is a principle referred to in kashrus: if something is expelling with force, it does not absorb — see Shulchan Aruch (YD 70:1).

What is true in the physical world is often true as well in the spiritual and emotional world. If a person is preoccupied with expressing himself, he may not be able to absorb and therefore may not be a good listener. One of my favorite quotes from Carl Jung is, “You can exert no influence if you are not susceptible to influence.” That is, listening is a mutual dynamic process, and the person you are speaking with senses your interest or lack of interest in them. If you are truly open to their perspective, this inspires them to do the same.

In ancient times, the great Rabbinical academies of Hillel and Shammai were constantly in dispute about Jewish law. According to tradition, a heavenly voice decreed that the law should be in accordance with the Academy of Hillel.

The Gemara (Eiruvin 13b) offers a surprising reason for this outcome:

“Why was it decreed that the law should be in accordance with the Academy of Hillel? Because they were gentle and gracious, and taught the opinion of Shammai first.”

Although law is principally a matter of facts and intellect, the Talmud astutely divined that truth can only be arrived at via ethical, courteous and open-minded discourse. This is why they felt the rulings ought to be in accordance with the Academy of Hillel. (This is remarkable because the school of Shammai was known to be more intellectually astute, as per Yevamos 14a.)

If you follow the same process, making sure you listen carefully to the other person and understand his or her point of view before you begin to argue your own points, you will become smarter and the other person will listen better.

It is not enough to just go through the motions of listening — that is, gritting your teeth and holding back your irritation while letting the other person talk. You need to momentarily let go of your own concerns and your own defenses so you can really listen and understand the other person’s perspective. It does not matter if the person is wrong or right: the important part is to truly see it through the other person’s eyes. This is known as Empathic Listening.

University of Maine researcher Dr. Marisue Pickering identifies four characteristics of empathetic listeners:

• A desire to be other-directed, rather than to project one’s own feelings and ideas onto the other. This means to forget about your own needs and concerns at the time that you are trying to listen.

• A desire to be non-defensive, instead of protecting the self. When the self is being protected it is difficult to focus on another person. Do not focus on whether your feelings are being hurt; instead, focus on really listening.

• A desire to imagine the roles, perspectives, or experiences of the other, rather than assuming they are the same as one’s own. See the other person as a unique individual. Do not assume that he or she is just another version of you. Everyone experiences the world differently, based on upbringing and various developmental experiences. What is hurtful for one person may be trivial to the other, and vice versa. It is important to accept, respect and work to understand the subjective nature of each person’s narrative.

• A desire to listen as a receiver, not as a critic, and to understand the other person, rather than achieve either agreement from or change in that person. When you are listening you suspend judgment. Your goal is not to prove who is right or wrong, or to win. The goal is to understand the other person completely.

These attitudes help place the individual in the right frame of mind to achieve Empathic Listening. Dr. Pickering also identifies the following skills as helpful:

• Attending, acknowledging: providing verbal or non-verbal awareness of the other such as eye contact and other affirmations.

• Restating, paraphrasing: relating what the other person said in your own words and checking with him or her if you are correct.

• Checking perceptions: investigate and clarify if your assumptions, interpretations and perceptions are valid and accurate. Many arguments happen when people misinterpret. The first thing you should always do when you are upset with another person is calmly, non-judgmentally repeat what you thought or perceived that was problematic, and ask if you are correct. For example, “I saw you laughing when I told that story. Am I correct in my perception that you think I am foolish?” Be advised, your tone of voice and inflection make all the difference. Your question must be genuine and not laced with sarcasm or anger.

• Being quiet. This doesn’t simply mean being quiet when the person is talking, but to actually take some moments to silently reflect before responding, giving everyone time to think and absorb what was said.