Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

October 7th, 2022

With the upcoming holiday of Sukkos, many families are getting together in clans, and sometimes interactions that are well-meaning can take a turn for the awkward or hurtful. Here are some suggestions of ways to keep it clean and considerate, by trying to steer clear of the following common pitfall topics. It might be a good idea to not comment on:       1. How people look: style, weight, modesty- appearance is super-personal to m …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

April 4th, 2023

The yomim tovim / Jewish holidays are often “busy season” for Orthodox therapists. In our communities, where there’s a profound emphasis on the values of both family and holidays, these often converge to create a perfect storm of internal pressure and interpersonal mayhem. There are the social plans: who is hosting, who is traveling, which “side’s turn” is it to have the newlyweds, or the elderly relatives, and …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

February 27th, 2022

Trigger warning: this post discusses sexual trauma Zeesy, a 19-year-old newlywed, was referred for intense erotophobia- a fear of sexual activity. It’s been about three months since their wedding, but her aversion to sexual touch seems to be getting worse. Her young husband is worried, and the premarital educator who sent her asks me:   “Do you think something happened to her?”   What she means, of course, is trauma- s …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

October 18th, 2020

Couples therapy is intense work. Back in grad school, I had a professor say: “We’re not in the business of saving marriages. We’re in the business of helping people.” At the time, I was young, arrogant, and naively idealistic, and I thought: “Well, I’m hoping to save marriages.” After years on the job, I’ve learned that he was right. While thankfully, most of the time, we do help clients save their …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

March 9th, 2020

One year, when I went to shul for megila reading, I was a few minutes early, so I stopped to watch the adorable costumed children running around. I saw many little girls dressed up as princesses, fairies and brides, and most of the little boys were pirates, robbers, and ninjas. Not a prince in sight. A preschool version of the “shidduch crisis.” Of course, that was a joke, but the metaphor might fit… If you ask any Yeshiva grad …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

December 13th, 2022

Am I a Bais Yaakov lesbian? Chani was 20 years old when she presented for therapy. The official referral was “anxiety about dating,” but when she began to share, it was more complex and specific than that: “I’ve never told anyone this before, but I have one friend who knows, because it involves her too. I am anxious about starting to date- that’s true. But it’s not just regular nervous. I know this might sound …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

November 28th, 2020

At the root of so many people’s questions, doubts, insecurities and fears, lies this niggling question:   Am I normal?   And it shows up in a variety of permutations:   Is this normal?   My history?   My family?   My thoughts, feelings, relationships?   And buried even deeper than that for many is the alternative:   “Am I abnormal? Dysfunctional? Crazy?&r …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

May 10th, 2022

*This post was excerpted from my schmoozeletter email.*
      The following is a conversation that comes up a lot with my couples in therapy:       Me: So what would you say are the challenges you're facing in your relationship that you want to address together?       Him: Our intimate life isn't great. We're not "together" often and when we are it seems to fall flat.       Her: Fo …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

August 29th, 2022

Elul Anxiety Tami, a motivated college student, sought help to deal with her test taking anxiety. She describes her symptoms: “I just get so nervous starting a few days before the test. This sense of dread. I try to study but I get distracted by how worried I am. By the time I sit down to take the test, my hands are clammy, I feel chilly and sweaty, my head is swimming, and I can barely focus.” One of the tools Tami learned in terms o …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

May 14th, 2020

Are you struggling to maintain your sense of equilibrium while trying to navigate all the new demands and realities of the COVID19 crisis? Many people seem to be reporting a variety of challenges, so if you are, you’re very much not alone. Therapists are trying to share whatever knowledge we have about encouraging people to especially attend to our personal needs and psychological well-being. Taking care of yourself is a worthy goal in its …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

February 9th, 2017

On Choosing a Spouse: Looking for Love in all the Right Places By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT Selecting a spouse is possibly the most momentous decision that we humans make over the course of a lifetime. We are choosing our roommate, co-parent, romantic partner, teammate, and closest companion- ideally, for life. We live in times in which we have more autonomy and opportunity than ever before in history, we seem to be more emotionally complex, and deman …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

September 18th, 2019

“I’m so happy and grateful- his Rebbe said he’s a meyuchad, a lamdan, really something special.” “I just want to do whatever is best for my husband’s learning.” “This is a good job for a working mom- it’s my privilege to support my husband’s Torah.” “As long as we can, we’re hoping long term.” “It’s a zechus for me, for our future children to have a ch …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

February 9th, 2020

More Shovevim thoughts on enhancing marital intimacy: Something I have struggled with for a few years now is wanting to create and share more information for religious brides and grooms, more publicly than just with my private groups and clients. I actually have a document script for kallah teachers, that I have been editing slowly over the years, and sharing judiciously. But something held me back from posting it publicly- it's delicate, so cult …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

June 27th, 2021

  A few years ago, I got a call from a mother, distraught over something that was happening at her kids’ school. Her 12 year old daughter was in avelus, and the school had told her that she needed to wait in the office, while her grade practiced for a music and dance performance. The girl felt like she was being punished for being in mourning and was devastated. The mom asked me to call the school and speak with them. I called the scho …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

December 29th, 2019

Therapists: This One’s For You… Are you a therapist who is hoping or trying to build a private practice? Therapists tend to be people who deeply want to help others. It’s literally called a “helping profession.” It’s a way to make a living while making a difference. And while most of us choose this line of work for primarily idealistic reasons, it’s not easy work. It’s gratifying, but often drainin …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

April 15th, 2021

Every so often, I meet a colleague who offers the opportunity to collaborate in a way that aligns perfectly with my own mission and values. Blimie Heller, and her beautiful approach, Unconditional Parenting, is one such colleague. In this conversation, we tackle the vital topic of child sexual safety education in a way that is practical, culturally sensitive, and easily applicable to most families. Enjoy this free video resource: https://www.inst …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

April 2nd, 2019

  By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT In some ways, choosing a career path can be more confusing and overwhelming than ever before in human history. There are more options and access, and ever-evolving specialties, and subspecialties. But those options and the programs that train for them, are rapidly changing, often rendering previously secure and lucrative jobs obsolete, replaced by software, or outsourced to underpaid workers overseas. There is a col …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

August 27th, 2018

Yesterday, I was supposed to be correcting the formatting work for the manuscript of my first and upcoming book. But I got bored, and instead started journaling about how nervous I feel about publishing it. Using my well-established, questionable judgement, I opted to share this "rant" on my facebook page.. not exactly sure why, I guess because interacting with facebook friends is also way more fun than tedious paperwork. And I was also hoping …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

August 12th, 2019

You know that feeling where you finish a conversation, and then a little later, mentally review it and wish you could go back and change your answer? I had one of those., recently. I was speaking at an event where the audience was invited to submit anonymous questions. One of the questions that was written in was one I’d heard before: “I would like to observe the niddah laws the way I was taught them- not touching at all during the ni …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

November 26th, 2018

Could We Please Stop Telling Girls that Marrying a Yeshiva Guy Is the Only Way to Get a Good Husband?   This will be a short, not-so-sweet, but to-the-point post (bordering on rant). To some, what I’m about to say might be obvious, but to me, it seems like it needs to be said*: Yeshivas do not have a monopoly on good husbands. They also cannot guarantee good husbands. Not every girl will do well married to a Yeshiva student. Not every …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

September 9th, 2020

It’s September/ Elul, and children everywhere are yanking out their uniforms, knapsacks, paperwork, and supplies, packing up lunches and snacks, and getting ready to rejoin the classroom scene. Hustling out to the bus stop, or listening out for the carpool honk, or hopping on bikes, rushing to be on time for the morning bell. “Bye! Love you- have a great day; learn well!” (One of my favorite aspects of homeschooling is no longer …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

June 25th, 2020

When Korach Tried to Defund the Police As a kid, I remember secretly identifying with Korach’s thinking. Didn’t he just want equality? A place at the table? Was that so bad? Who decides who gets to be in charge? Why can’t there be committees and dialogue about roles? Even to this day, there is a part of me that bucks against authority, rules, and structured hierarchy. In middle school, we once had one of those situations where …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

March 23rd, 2020

I've been hearing from clients, colleagues, friends, and readers who are parents, and also from teachers, that they are struggling with the current schooling situation. With the new obligation to not only have kids around always, and enforce new strict health and distancing measures, but also comply with schools' attempts to translate classroom into distance learning. (It's not going great.)   As a homeschooling family for several years, thi …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

June 14th, 2019

“Do You Ever Just Cuddle?”   Yael’s arms are folded across her chest, and her legs tightly crossed as she describes her frustration: “I guess I’m just turned off from any kind of touch at this point- I don't trust it. Most days, it’s just business as usual, except on the nights when he wants sex. That’s when he’ll start trying to be all warm and cuddly, but it’s so obvious that he’s …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

April 24th, 2018

“Does My Anxiety Mean I Lack Emunah?” By: Elisheva Liss Tzivi is a deeply devout 24 year old mother and wife. She prays twice daily, while raising her toddler and baby, and working 30 hours a week, while her husband pursues Rabbinical studies in Yeshiva. She has suffered from an anxiety disorder since middle school, but you would never know it to speak to her; she presents as calm, soft-spoken, and content. In therapy, she describes w …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

October 1st, 2021

“I think it was the earrings that were the final straw for me.” The young woman is explaining to me how she went from being a scrupulously rule-following Bais Yaakov high school junior, to the 19 year old who’d lost track of how many men with whom she’s slept. “The earrings?” I repeated. “Yeah. My high school principal came up to me after davening one day, and told me that my earrings weren’t tniyus …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

March 29th, 2020

In the midst of all the other serious concerns of these Corona-days, we keep hearing from parents who are concerned about their kids “falling behind” in their schoolwork. This is sometimes fueled by (well-meaning but misguided) school-based educators, who are pressuring families to keep up with their modified “distance” version of classroom learning. For families who are doing well with that- remember to thank your teacher …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

February 23rd, 2017

Leah [pseudonym] is a 21 year old assistant preschool teacher in a beis yaakov school and part time college student. Sweet, social, and sincere, she gets along well with her family, spends time daily with friends, dates regularly, and enjoys her work. But underneath her orthodontic smile, she's feeling personally under-stimulated. She describes a chronic lack of excitement, bordering on apathy, about her life, some of which she traces back to her …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

June 4th, 2021

It's the very first mitzvah in the Torah. And for some, it's very straightforward: Get married, start a family, don't stop until your body does. But for those who believe in the option to practice birth control, whether autonomously or in consultation with a posek, important questions arise:   How do you decide when to start trying for a baby?       How many kids should we have?       When do we stop having ki …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

May 13th, 2019

Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking: A Transformative Three-Step Therapy Method for Addressing Inner Negativity Based on the book with this title   Do you ever struggle with bad moods or low feelings? To some extent, negative emotions are a just part of being human. Almost everyone feels down sometimes- I know I do. Sometimes it can be mild or brief. Other times, when we wake up “on the wrong side of the bed” or encounter diffi …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

April 5th, 2020

The 5 (or 6) Stages of Corona- Grief: By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT The famous “five stages of grief” were formulated and described by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, in her books: On Death and Dying and On Grief and Grieving. The sixth was add by her colleague, David Kessler. Most experts agree that emotional experience is not uniform or linear, but highlighting some universal processes and what they feel like can be comforting and validating. I&rs …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

September 27th, 2017

Flavors of Forgiveness: What to Do When It’s not “All Good”
A Simple Thought from Elisheva Liss, LMFT Welcome to the season of begging forgiveness. We run around apologizing, trying to let go of past resentments and obtain pardons for our own transgressions. For many of us, much of the time, this can be a simple, annual interpersonal cleansing, an apology-acceptance social ritual. It can feel great to dissipate some of th …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

April 15th, 2019

“Little kids, little problems, big kids, big problems. Just you wait!” warned the more experienced moms; their condescending tones wagging fingers of dread in my peaked, sleep-deprived face. Sheesh! I heard a lot of that when my children were young. Now, however, with the older ones launching and the youngest one already in middle school, and as someone who treats moms of all ages, I can confidently challenge that unintentionally obno …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

September 27th, 2018

Have you ever found that happiness sometimes brings fear? That often when we find, receive, or achieve something good, it’s almost like: “Wait- this is too good to be true… when does the other shoe drop?” Or maybe a questioning of “Do I really deserve this? What did I have to forfeit in order to luck out like this?” I’ve always struggled to understand the notion of happiness.  I remember (probably) …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

February 7th, 2023

*Due to a misunderstanding about a deadline for a guest post on another site, I ended up with a "spare" mini-article this week, and opted to share it here, instead:       You know that feeling of scary relief?       Like when you very narrowly miss being in what could have been a terrible car accident?       Or almost fall down a flight of stairs, but catch yourself at the last minute?   …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

August 29th, 2019

A teacher in my neighborhood once called me to talk about some frustrating feedback she had gotten at work. Apparently, a parent had called the school to complain that this teacher had made a couple of comments that were insensitive to the fact that one student was going through an extenuatingly difficult life event. The teacher felt bad- she hadn’t realized this child was suffering. She told me that in trying to defend herself, she respond …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

March 25th, 2021

How a Chacham Becomes a Rasha: Some Thoughts about Questions   A few years ago, I was speaking with a high school student who was struggling with her faith. She told me that she’d learned some material in her Halacha class that upset her. When she shared it with me, I had to admit that I’d never heard of it before, and encouraged her to ask her teacher for sources, so she could at least research and try to understand the basis fo …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

September 17th, 2020

“Every year, I struggle with this, when the Yomim Nora’im come around. I want G-d to forgive my misdeeds, so I need to forgive others. And I really try to. If someone owes me money or hurt my feelings, I can really let it go. I’m not a spiteful person; I don’t’ have enemies. But there’s this one thing. My daughter’s teacher in high school- a Rabbi, by title, said and did awful things- not just to her. We …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

August 12th, 2020

Do you want to work on your relationship in therapy, but have a partner who just doesn’t want to go? Well, you’re not alone. This is a super common and frustrating problem.   The bad news: You can’t generally “make” people want to go to therapy, and even if you technically get them in the door, it’s really, really, hard to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.   The good news: You may have …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

June 6th, 2019

  “I’m not sure if you’re interested or ready to hear this, but there is something I’d like to suggest, with your permission,” is something my clients hear often sessions. Advice is tricky. No matter how theoretically useful the recommendation I have might be, it is only of value if the listener is ready and interested in receiving it. If not, it is not only effectively worthless, but potentially harmful to the …
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