Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

August 28th, 2023

Avinu Malkeinu: A Liturgically Inspired Essay on Parenthood Parented by G-d, and Parenting G-d’s Children One of the most challenging, if unoriginal, theological struggles for me personally has always been the tension between the idea of a loving G-d and suffering of the innocent. The analogy we were taught as Yeshiva kids was based on the verse in Deuteronomy: “For as a father afflicts his child, so G-d afflicts you.” We were t …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

July 5th, 2023

Is Using P-rnography Considered Cheating on a Partner?       Let’s consider this changed-to-protect-writer’s-identity question, as a springboard to address some issues that arise for couples around this subject:       “I recently found p-rnographic material downloaded on my husband’s laptop. I wasn’t looking for it; we just often use whichever laptop is around to check email …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

July 2nd, 2023

The Unconsummated Couple     They present for therapy with so much shame, sometimes blaming themselves, sometimes each other, or just one of them, often feeling like they’re the only ones who can’t “figure this out.”       They are the “unconsummated.”       The couples who got married with little or no prior sexual experience, often inadequate or inaccurate p …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

June 15th, 2023

“We wish we had died! We wish we had died!” Cry out the people who personally experienced miraculous salvation. “If only we had died in Egypt, or in the desert…” They were afraid of potential war in Kanaan, but it still doesn’t seem logical. They’d prefer to have certainly perished in Egypt or the desert, over the possibility of death OR the possibility of victory and freedom in the Promised Land? How is …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

April 4th, 2023

The yomim tovim / Jewish holidays are often “busy season” for Orthodox therapists. In our communities, where there’s a profound emphasis on the values of both family and holidays, these often converge to create a perfect storm of internal pressure and interpersonal mayhem. There are the social plans: who is hosting, who is traveling, which “side’s turn” is it to have the newlyweds, or the elderly relatives, and …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

April 3rd, 2023

*This was originally a column in the Five Towns Jewish Times*       Dear Elisheva,       My problem comes up mostly around Shabbos and Yom Tov family get-togethers. We are blessed with seven kids, mostly adults now; the youngest are 17 and 19, still living at home. We also have a growing number of grandchildren, and love to see them as often as possible.       We worked hard to give our childr …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

March 8th, 2023

*This post originally appeared as a column in the Five Towns Jewish Times*   Dear Elisheva, My wife and I have been married for almost three years, and this issue has only gotten worse over that time. Baruch Hashem we get along really well when it comes to most things. But there’s one area where we disagree strongly, and I was hoping we could get your opinion. Both of our parents are good people, and we have great relationships with th …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

February 7th, 2023

*Due to a misunderstanding about a deadline for a guest post on another site, I ended up with a "spare" mini-article this week, and opted to share it here, instead:       You know that feeling of scary relief?       Like when you very narrowly miss being in what could have been a terrible car accident?       Or almost fall down a flight of stairs, but catch yourself at the last minute?   …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

December 13th, 2022

Am I a Bais Yaakov lesbian? Chani was 20 years old when she presented for therapy. The official referral was “anxiety about dating,” but when she began to share, it was more complex and specific than that: “I’ve never told anyone this before, but I have one friend who knows, because it involves her too. I am anxious about starting to date- that’s true. But it’s not just regular nervous. I know this might sound …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

October 7th, 2022

With the upcoming holiday of Sukkos, many families are getting together in clans, and sometimes interactions that are well-meaning can take a turn for the awkward or hurtful. Here are some suggestions of ways to keep it clean and considerate, by trying to steer clear of the following common pitfall topics. It might be a good idea to not comment on:       1. How people look: style, weight, modesty- appearance is super-personal to m …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

September 5th, 2022

“My kallah teacher thinks I have childhood trauma, but I really can’t think of one,” Chanshi begins. “My husband is a very nice person. My parents are too. My life isn’t perfect, but I don’t understand why this is so crazy for me.” What Chanshi means by “this” and “so crazy” is the state of her sexual relationship. She and her husband Izzy have an otherwise “nice” relat …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

August 29th, 2022

Elul Anxiety Tami, a motivated college student, sought help to deal with her test taking anxiety. She describes her symptoms: “I just get so nervous starting a few days before the test. This sense of dread. I try to study but I get distracted by how worried I am. By the time I sit down to take the test, my hands are clammy, I feel chilly and sweaty, my head is swimming, and I can barely focus.” One of the tools Tami learned in terms o …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

August 28th, 2022

*This post originally appeared as a State of Mind Column in the Five Towns Jewish Times* Dear Elisheva, My family is in a complicated state right now. We are blessed with several children, but this matter only concerns two of them. Our oldest daughter is in her 20s and has been married for a few years; let’s call her “Leah.” She’s a wonderful girl, married to a great guy, but at this point our relationship with them is ver …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

July 27th, 2022

It usually happens some time in the middle of a session. We’ll be discussing a couple’s intimate life, and I can see the consternation building on the woman’s face. Eventually, she’ll just say something like:       “Can I ask a funny question? Like… what’s the point of sex anyway?”       When working with clients who are dealing with sexual aversion, the question of: & …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

July 20th, 2022

  *This originally appeared as a column in the Five Towns Jewish Times       Dear Elisheva,       Our oldest daughter just returned home from her year in Israel. It’s not that I mind her becoming more religious. We expected that to a degree, when we allowed her to go to seminary. It’s the way she now relates to her family, her old friends, and how her personality seems to have changed. Sh …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

May 19th, 2022

*This originally appeared in the Five Towns Jewish Times State of Mind column*  Dear Elisheva,   I would imagine my problem is not unique, but I just find myself getting stuck and anxious from it. I’m 23 years old, in Yeshiva most of the day, and finishing up my Bachelors. I’ve been dating someone for a little over three weeks now. She is 21, also in college, and working part time. She’s really great- smart, interestin …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

May 10th, 2022

*This post was excerpted from my schmoozeletter email.*
      The following is a conversation that comes up a lot with my couples in therapy:       Me: So what would you say are the challenges you're facing in your relationship that you want to address together?       Him: Our intimate life isn't great. We're not "together" often and when we are it seems to fall flat.       Her: Fo …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

April 7th, 2022

*This post is an excerpt from my schmoozeletter email. Subscribe to it for free here: elishevaliss.com/newsletter *       Once upon a time, there was a young, sincere couple, who married and loved each other. But they had one problem: Even after a few years of happy matrimony, the wife said she was having trouble enjoying physical intimacy. The husband felt bad about this, and went to seek advice from his Rabbi and mentor.   & …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

February 27th, 2022

Trigger warning: this post discusses sexual trauma Zeesy, a 19-year-old newlywed, was referred for intense erotophobia- a fear of sexual activity. It’s been about three months since their wedding, but her aversion to sexual touch seems to be getting worse. Her young husband is worried, and the premarital educator who sent her asks me:   “Do you think something happened to her?”   What she means, of course, is trauma- s …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

January 18th, 2022

In serving as a therapist for an almost completely religiously affiliated population, one issue that arises very, very often, is the hot-button issue of “modesty” – or as it’s called in Hebrew: Tzniyus/ tzniyut. When we talk about this, it often revolves around unhealthy and even traumatic ways that clients feel these messages were conveyed to them within their families, communities, or schools. In particular, women and gi …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

January 13th, 2022

This piece originally appeared as a column in the Five Towns Jewish Times: Dear Elisheva, We think we may have an issue with our son and his Rebbe, and we’re not sure what to do about it. According to our son, who is in middle school, this Rebbe has been routinely picking on him and some of the other kids, in ways that seem unfair and unkind. I’ve heard the other kids joking about him playing favorites and randomly yelling at some kid …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

January 4th, 2022

Yitzi’s parents really thought they’d taught him enough: “No one is allowed to touch you in parts of your body covered by a bathing suit. Most people are good and safe, but there are some other sick people out there who like to hurt children, and do bad things, so if they try to do that, you should run away and tell someone you trust.” They checked off the sexual safety education box and thought he was now “safe.&rdq …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

December 18th, 2021

This originally appeared in a Five Towns Jewish Times column:   Dear Elisheva, I can’t decide whether my problem is marital or personal- probably both, but here it is. My wife and I both grew up religious. We were on pretty much the same page when we got married. But over the years, my feelings and opinions have slowly been changing. I’m looking at our community, our lifestyles, and the kids’ schools from different angles, …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

October 1st, 2021

“I think it was the earrings that were the final straw for me.” The young woman is explaining to me how she went from being a scrupulously rule-following Bais Yaakov high school junior, to the 19 year old who’d lost track of how many men with whom she’s slept. “The earrings?” I repeated. “Yeah. My high school principal came up to me after davening one day, and told me that my earrings weren’t tniyus …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

June 27th, 2021

  A few years ago, I got a call from a mother, distraught over something that was happening at her kids’ school. Her 12 year old daughter was in avelus, and the school had told her that she needed to wait in the office, while her grade practiced for a music and dance performance. The girl felt like she was being punished for being in mourning and was devastated. The mom asked me to call the school and speak with them. I called the scho …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

June 4th, 2021

It's the very first mitzvah in the Torah. And for some, it's very straightforward: Get married, start a family, don't stop until your body does. But for those who believe in the option to practice birth control, whether autonomously or in consultation with a posek, important questions arise:   How do you decide when to start trying for a baby?       How many kids should we have?       When do we stop having ki …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

April 30th, 2021

Were you taught to believe that “divorce” is a curse word? That we don’t even say the “d” word?   When I was a young, idealistic grad school student, a professor told us: “We are not in the business of saving marriages. We’re in the business of helping people.”   At the time, I (arrogantly) thought: “Well, maybe those are your values. I want to save marriages.”   I stil …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

April 15th, 2021

Every so often, I meet a colleague who offers the opportunity to collaborate in a way that aligns perfectly with my own mission and values. Blimie Heller, and her beautiful approach, Unconditional Parenting, is one such colleague. In this conversation, we tackle the vital topic of child sexual safety education in a way that is practical, culturally sensitive, and easily applicable to most families. Enjoy this free video resource: https://www.inst …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

March 25th, 2021

How a Chacham Becomes a Rasha: Some Thoughts about Questions   A few years ago, I was speaking with a high school student who was struggling with her faith. She told me that she’d learned some material in her Halacha class that upset her. When she shared it with me, I had to admit that I’d never heard of it before, and encouraged her to ask her teacher for sources, so she could at least research and try to understand the basis fo …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

March 17th, 2021

Trigger Warning: This post contains sensitive content about child sexual abuse.   *Like all vignettes featured in this blog, it reflects not one specific true story, but a disguised amalgam of too many. It changes any potentially identifying information but preserves clinically relevant details.*   “I know this might sound strange. But we were kids. We were pretty sheltered- no TV or internet in our house, hardly any newspa …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

March 9th, 2021

Some men say it with embarrassment, others with indignation or frustration, and still others in defeat: “I’m not trying to be demanding or controlling. But I really wish my wife would dress up for me once in a while. When we go out, in our bedroom, or just the way she presents herself in general. It’s not that I don’t think she’s naturally pretty- she really is and I tell her so. But I know a lot of women …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

January 14th, 2021

  Confronting the Less Popular Sexual Sins: A Shovavim Plea   Sexual sins are possibly the most interesting of sins. There are few transgressions more titillating, more shamed, and more taboo than those having to do with succumbing to desires of the flesh. During this time of the Jewish calendar, some communities have a custom to focus on atoning for sins in the realm of sexual immorality. Some examples I’ve heard are reviewing th …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

December 10th, 2020

*Trigger warning: This post touches on the topic of sexual trauma. Proceed with caution.* “I was taught that my husband’s purity and holiness are basically my responsibility. As long as we can ‘be together,’ that saves him from sin. And if we’re not, then I’m guilty,” she explains tearfully. “It feels like my job as a wife to be there for him that way.” His facial expression implies that his i …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

December 9th, 2020

Have you ever noticed that some people will swear that therapy totally changed their lives for the better, and others will say they’ve tried repeatedly and gotten nowhere? Still others will say they don’t even believe in the idea of it- that it’s just a waste of time and money.   It could be just a case of “strokes and folks,” but I think there might be a little more to it than that in some cases. &nbs …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

December 2nd, 2020

Have you ever wondered how often people have sex?
(I purposely used the nebulously awkward euphemism “be intimate” in the title because generally people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may also say: “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.”) In my line of work, I get this question a lot, be …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

November 28th, 2020

At the root of so many people’s questions, doubts, insecurities and fears, lies this niggling question:   Am I normal?   And it shows up in a variety of permutations:   Is this normal?   My history?   My family?   My thoughts, feelings, relationships?   And buried even deeper than that for many is the alternative:   “Am I abnormal? Dysfunctional? Crazy?&r …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

October 18th, 2020

Couples therapy is intense work. Back in grad school, I had a professor say: “We’re not in the business of saving marriages. We’re in the business of helping people.” At the time, I was young, arrogant, and naively idealistic, and I thought: “Well, I’m hoping to save marriages.” After years on the job, I’ve learned that he was right. While thankfully, most of the time, we do help clients save their …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

October 16th, 2020

When my oldest was two years old, he attended a half day playgroup. One day, while walking him to “school” he told me that he was having “two feelings.” “One feeling is I’m sad that I’m not gonna have my mommy while I’m in school. And the other feeling is that I’m happy when I play with my friends.” I was blown away by his innocent, honest ability to express what even I, as an adult, hav …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

October 8th, 2020

What’s the point of life? People actually google this; we are so desperately seeking meaning and truth. (Sometimes. Sometimes we seek ice cream and area rugs.) The book of Ecclesiastes, Koheleth, which we have the practice to read during the Sukkoth holiday, chronicles how King Solomon, Shlomo, grappled with this question. A running theme of the book is the phrase: “hakol hevel”- all is ‘hevel.’ But what is “he …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

October 7th, 2020

The more I know, the less I know. Do you relate to this? I sometimes look back at words I wrote with such conviction when I was younger, and realize now that either I no longer agree with my hot-headed earlier self, or I see the issue with more complexity and nuance. Age, in many ways, sharpens my perspectives while softening my rough edges. The Torah describes how in the desert, G-d led the Jews with a pillar of fire at night, and a pillar of cl …
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