Introductory Note: This post, which has also been released as a printed booklet (to order: https://www.youmeweyouth.org/), is designed to give teens and preteens guidance as they encounter intense and confusing messages from the world that surrounds them. These days, we hear, through every channel of communication, messages encouraging young people to examine and reexamine their feelings about gender, attractions and relationships. The message that is broadcast is that the possibilities one can choose are endless. As a Jewish psychologist, it is my goal, in this piece, to sort through these confusing messages and suggest a balanced view of these matters that can offer a young person a path forward towards a happy and fulfilling life. [Haskamas from Rabbi Ahron Lopiansky (Yeshiva of Greater Washington) and Rabbi Yitzchak Breitowitz (Ohr Somayach in Jerusalem) appear at the end of this post.] 

The style of this piece is simple, in order to be comprehensible to young readers, but its content can help people of all ages sort through these difficult issues. This booklet can be used in three different ways:

1. to be read and thought about by a teen or preteen on their own,

2. for a parent to read to their child, with the option of discussing its contents, 

3. for an adult to read on their own. 

In regard to parents reading this booklet to their child, I offer a little advice. The best conversations are those that feel voluntary and where time is given for the other person to respond without pressure. Use open-ended questions, such as, “Do you have any thoughts or questions about what we just read?” Or if you want to ask a more specific question, you can use the same “do you have any thoughts or questions about” and then end with a mention of that specific issue. It is best to ask the question in a way that the child can easily decline to answer without appearing rude. Thus, “Do you have any thoughts or questions about . . .” is better than asking “What do you think about . . .” One of the biggest errors parents make in talking with their children is to not pause long enough for the child to think about what they want to say and formulate a comment or response. Allow for pauses after questions and in conversation. 

We live in an overly rushed world, and it might take some practice for the parent to tolerate these pauses. One strategy is to silently count ten to fifteen seconds after a question or after the parent has made a comment to give the child time to think of a response. If there is no response to a question, the parent can simply state, “Well, some of these things are hard to talk about,” and move on with the reading. Make sure you reassure your child that even if they are not up to discussing something now, you are always interested in what they have to say. Remember also that young people are ready to talk on their timing, which is often different from our timing. As much as possible, don’t delay conversations if your child looks like they would like to talk with you about something.   

It is important to realize that even children who are younger than preteen might be wondering about these topics and could benefit from some of the material herein. If a child is ten or younger, it is best for the parent him- or herself to share this information with their child, only sharing the concepts that are appropriate for the child's developmental level, knowledge base and level of understanding. Such a parent may read parts of this piece to their child, but what would generally be best is for that parent to put these concepts in their own words and invite discussion about the topic.

This piece is designed to draw the young reader into its subject gradually and to help him or her develop a new and deeper perspective on what a healthy identity is built upon. That process of "drawing in" the reader will work best if they don't start with this introduction. Thus, here is a link to access this piece without the introduction: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1zzYCkVdtTB5UuKOUOBPRujB7JoYrM9dh/view?usp=share_link

I. Who Are You?

Who are you? This is both a simple and a complicated question. The simple answer is to give me your name. Let’s say it’s Miriam . . . or Dovi. OK, so now I know who you are. Right? Well, maybe not. Maybe I know two people with your first name. So you can supply more information, like your last name. Let’s say your full name is Miriam Feingold. Now has that settled things? It has, but only until I ask, “Who is Miriam Feingold?” That might leave you stumped for a moment. You could respond by replying, “That’s me.” But then we are stuck in a circle: Who are you? Miriam Feingold. Who is Miriam Feingold? Me. 

The real problem with a name is that it identifies you, but does it really answer that question of Who are you? Perhaps you might start to realize what I am getting at. I want to know what it is that really makes you who you are. 

So let’s try again. Who are you? Perhaps your next step in answering this question would be to go to the mirror and point. Look, that’s me. So do that, and what do you see? The shape of your face, your eye color, the way you hair looks, your clothing color and style. OK, so does the mirror show you who you are?

Well, it shows you part of who you are, but it does not show you the inside you. The inside you is completely unique. Chazal tell us that no two minds are alike. Children don’t spend much time thinking about these questions, but around the time of adolescence, many young people realize that who they are inside is the most important part of them and that we can only answer the question Who are you? by trying to understand who we are inside.  

Take a moment to wonder about who you are inside. There are many thoughts, desires, sensations, emotions and memories within you. It’s like a whole world in there, and of course it is. As Chazal say, “He who has saved a single life, it is as if he has saved the whole world.” This statement reminds us that each person is considered to be an entire, unique world. 

The inside you is particularly hard to describe because it is like trying to describe all the ripples in a stream. Your inside experience is always flowing and constantly changing, like a stream. Sometimes you are angry, sometimes sad, sometimes happy. Sometimes your mind may be focused as you think, learn and analyze things; at other times, perhaps late at night (or when your alarm jars you from sleep in the morning), your mind might feel like a big fuzz. Sometimes you might be rushed and worried as you try to complete a test on time, and at other times you might feel a relaxing warmth in your stomach as you eat your mother’s chicken soup on Shabbos. You can’t say any one of these experiences is you because when the next feelings and experiences come along, that can’t mean that you are now a new person. So who is the you who goes from experience to experience and remains . . . you? 

Some people try to avoid all this confusion and answer the Who are you? question like this: “If you want to know who I am, look at what I do.” For example, someone might say, “I’m a person who is really good at sports and enjoys art and drama.” Or, “I study hard, keep a straight-A average and do my best to listen to what my parents and teachers tell me to do.” 

It is true that what we do is an important part of who we are. But over-relying on this answer can be problematic. What if there is a family crisis and the straight-A student has to help out more at home and is unable to maintain the straight As? Or what if the athlete decides that he does not have time to do sports anymore because he got an internship that is important to him? Does that mean that these people have lost who they are and that the people who did these things before no longer exist? And what about when a person is doing regular daily activities (eating, sleeping, socializing or reading) and not those activities that they feel define them? Does that mean that at those times they stop being who they are? Of course, we know it is not true that these people stop being who they are; we know that people can change what they experience, what they do and how they look, and still be the same person. So what is it that makes us who we are and continues to make us who we are, even with all the changes of life?

All we have to do is turn to our morning davening and we have an answer to this difficult question: In Elokai neshama . . . , we say, “My God! The soul that You bestowed in me is pure; You created it, You formed it, You breathed it into me and You preserve it within me. You will eventually take it from me, and restore it to me in the time to come.” Hashem, who is eternal and pure, created something that is eternal and pure, which is your neshama. That neshama might go through changes (created, formed) and circumstances (preserved within me, taken from me, restored to me), but whatever happens, it remains our unique, pure and eternal neshama. 

This answer may not completely satisfy you, and I am actually glad if it does not because knowing you have a neshama is not the complete answer to Who are you? It’s important to know that you have a neshama that was lovingly breathed into you by Hashem, but what is there about you that makes you truly unique, that is different and special, as compared to your peers or to anyone else in this world?

To answer this question, we need to pay attention to one more idea—that of purpose. Everyone has a purpose in this world, a unique purpose. You were put here for a reason, a special reason, and if you were not here, then the world simply would not work right. It would not work right now and it would not work right for all of the time that you are supposed to live in this world. Some people are here to cheer others up; some are here to understand and teach Torah; some are here because they are creative and have new ideas that will make the world better; and some are here because their beautiful empathy makes them very talented at understanding what other people need. And the truth is, people are not here for just one thing, but to use all of their talents to make the world better in many different ways.

These talents are like a seed inside of you, and it is usually in the teenage years that people experience that seed really starting to sprout. If you want to know more about your unique talents, then pay attention to qualities that come naturally to you and the ways you impact your peers, family and community just by being you. Notice the things that are important to you, the things that make you proud and satisfied. Notice the feedback you get from people in your world, the things they appreciate. And also notice when you stood up for the right things when those around you were doing wrong. These observations will give you hints as to the purpose that you have been put in this world for. As you grow into adulthood, you will become more and more focused regarding what you want to do in your life. You will become more and more aware that we all have only a limited time in this world, and we have to make wise choices to use it well and to live up to our purpose. 

Hashem made the whole world because He wanted to give to someone, and He wants us to be happy. Every day He does countless things for us to keep us healthy, fed, inspired and growing. These things are all gifts of love, and He asks for no repayment. This makes sense because there is nothing we can give to Hashem; He has everything. Nonetheless, when someone you love gives you a gift, you naturally want to give something back. Fortunately, there is something you can offer to Him, something that lies in your hands alone to give or not give, and that thing is to seek for, discover and live up to your purpose. That is your gift to Hashem. And funnily enough, that is also His gift to you. 

II. Belonging: From “Me” to “We”

Teenagers spend much of their time thinking about two things: 1. Who am I? and 2. Where do I belong? There are many reasons why belonging is such an important thing for teenagers. As they mature, they develop more independence and desire for privacy, which naturally starts to change their relationship with their parents. A child is more open in sharing everything about his or her life and feelings with their parents. Teenagers start to realize that there are parts of themselves that are very hard for even them to understand, let alone explain to others, like their parents. This causes teens to seek out more private space and times when they can experience themselves as the separate individual that they are.

This seeking privacy does not make teens less social. On the contrary, their social world becomes even more important to them than when they were younger. Unlike the child that they used to be, who saw themselves mostly as an extension of their family, the teen instinctively knows that they are growing into an adulthood where the relationships they make out in the world will be extremely important in developing a happy life. This realization leads a teen to wonder what types of friendships and friend groups they can fit into and feel comfortable with, given their unique personality and interests. This, of course, is all about belonging.

Belonging is related to the Who am I? question in another way. A big part of who we are gets expressed in the type of people we choose to be with. We are drawn to people who share our values; we avoid those who have values that we dislike. Joining certain groups makes a statement about what is valuable to us. And being in those groups can influence us to see ourselves and make ourselves more like the people in the group. 

Of course, teens do not only think about the friendships they want to belong to; they also think a lot about a new awareness that their adolescence has brought upon them. As their minds and bodies are in the process of rapid change, preparing them to develop into adults, boys and girls start to think a great deal about each other. This is normal and healthy and part of Hashem’s plan for them to eventually seek out their zivug, who will become the closest person in their life and with whom they will build a home and a family. The emotional and physical intimacy that a married couple shares is unique and beautiful, and it is very understandable that boys and girls might imagine and dream about physical and emotional intimacy with each other. 

At the beginning of adolescence, a teen may first become aware of how interesting and beautiful certain people appear to them. This change in awareness is heavily influenced by changes in body chemistry that naturally happen during adolescence and make the teen become very aware of certain physical characteristics that are attractive to them. As the teen matures, they think not only about physical appearance but also about what sort of person they might be happy with in an intimate relationship. All this thinking and imagining is also a matter of belonging; that is to say: What sort of person do I belong with?

Chazal teach us that Hashem has designated one special person who is the one that we belong with, our besherit. It’s like a guessing game, with Hashem knowing who the secret person is, and we get to keep searching and guessing until we finally discover him or her. And just like I said before that each person has a special and unique purpose in this world, so does a couple have a joint purpose, a series of jobs, that only they can do in this world and that they are supposed to accomplish together. If this is true, then it is obvious that these two people belong together, as obvious as it was to Adam Harishon that he and Chava belonged together when he called her “bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh.”  

The coming of adolescence can be a confusing and sometimes overwhelming experience for young people. Emotions become bigger; thoughts become deeper; and teens may start to react to normal situations in such an intense manner that it even surprises them. They may become moody, irritable, even tearful, and may not understand why they are reacting in this way. They may start to have thoughts about things that their parents, teachers and rebbes have told them are not tznius. And they may want to do things that these same people have told them are not appropriate at their age. 

To make matters more confusing, the social culture starts to change as peer groups go into adolescence. As young people’s bodies look more like adults and their voices sound more like adults, they start to be interested in expressing the greater authority, influence and control of their environment that adults exhibit. For some teens, this might involve showing off their strength, their cleverness or their leadership skills. For other teens, this might involve becoming more aware of how they dress and groom themselves, so as to look attractive to others. As all these teens are exploring their skills and strengths, many teens start to compare themselves to their peers and might secretly wonder if they measure up. In addition, if a boy suspects that a girl is attracted to him or vice versa, this can bring mixed feelings of fascination, anxiety, embarrassment and excitement that themselves can be quite confusing. 

The teenage years are like exploring a wild new landscape, one that the teen has never seen before. Much like a fantasy story, it is filled with scary but also wonderful things. There are dangers and obstacles, but also treasures to be sought after and discovered. And like any good fantasy story, a few dragons will have to be bravely encountered and battled with along the way. As teens start to enter adolescence and experience it more and more over time, they may not clearly know why this is so difficult and confusing, but they do know that everything is changing and that this change is hard for them. They may want to hide under the covers and hope that it goes away. They may sometimes find it delightful and sometimes find it embarrassing. But perhaps it will help them to remember that this is part of Hashem’s plan for them, that He loves them and He brings them all these changes because He is preparing them to make life even more wonderful, fulfilling and exciting than they have ever experienced before.  

III. Struggling with Attractions

It’s natural for boys to want to play with boys and girls with girls. People like to be with those who have similar interests. Boys tend to be more interested in rough-and-tumble play and competitive activities, while girls tend to be interested in more cooperative activities, fashion and communication. In addition, girls tend to be more emotionally expressive than boys. Notice that I used the words “tend to” to describe boys and girls. That’s because there are many exceptions to these characteristics. There are boys who love hanging out and talking, and there are girls who love to engage in competitive sports. There are girls who prefer not to express their emotions and boys who express their emotions in all sorts of ways, like talking about them, writing poetry or through art. Nonetheless, even though we find countless ways that boys and girls don’t fit into the “expected” mold, there are generally enough differences between boys and girls that girl groups and boy groups do tend to have a different sort of feel. Put a group of boys together and they are likely to be louder, tease each other more and be more involved in very active play than girls are. 

Boys and girls have even more interest in forming separate groups within frum schools and communities because this separation is encouraged by our culture and is found in most of our schools. Going through a Jewish school system, a child and then teen spends minimal time with children of the opposite sex. Just think of the thousands of hours that young people spend in school with peers of the same sex. Girls are the whole social world of girls and boys are the whole social world of boys. And as I said above, this becomes increasingly important as children enter adolescence and intensely search for social groups that they feel comfortable and accepted in. 

A frum adolescent finds him- or herself in a confusing situation: They think much about the opposite sex and are very quick to notice them, but, at the same time, they have limited access to such contact because of how their school and social world are constructed. The separation between the sexes is encouraged by adults, rebbes and the school system as a way to protect teens and to get them to behave appropriately—according to the expectations of Torah. Without these protections, teens may give in to the very strong urges that they experience and engage in contact with the opposite sex that is not supposed to happen outside of marriage. Most teens understand and accept this, but knowing this does not make the strong urges and related thoughts disappear. They are very real, and the young person has to live with them for many years before actually getting a chance to express them in marriage. 

Since teens are programmed by Hashem to think about and desire physical intimacy, it is not surprising that they often can suddenly find themselves attracted to someone in a way that comes as a total surprise to that teen. Teens do not only experience attractions to the opposite sex; they also may sometimes feel attracted to the same sex as they are. This might seem strange and even upsetting because the Torah opposes sexual activity between members of the same sex. Nonetheless, these feelings of attraction to the same sex often occur. (It is important to mention that the Torah views physical intimacy between two males and between two females very differently. Some youths have exaggerated or inaccurate beliefs about these matters based on their own lack of knowledge or general misunderstanding. It is best to talk with a trusted adult or rebbe to clarify these differences, and doing so could be an important step for a youth to understand what the Torah really expects of them.)

One of the reasons that these same-sex attractions occur is what I spoke about before—boys spend so much time with boys and girls with girls that they may start to associate their desire for a physical relationship with the people who fill up their daily life. The desire for a physical relationship and the emotional closeness that it brings can be so overwhelming that the mind of the young person can “trick” them into feeling like they are in love with one of their school friends or someone from their peer group. As long as such feelings are not acted on, they may actually provide something positive to the teen—an opportunity to start to notice the traits and characteristics that they really love in other people. Years later, the teen may use some of the things they have learned about themselves in these attractions to seek and find their true zivug. 

When a teen experiences a same-sex attraction, they might experience confusion, disgust, shame and guilt. They might feel like there is something terribly wrong with them. But having such feelings is normal and does not mean that there is anything wrong with you. Hashem created people in such a way that it is common for such feelings to occur. Due to the shame and guilt teens experience about these feelings, they will tend to avoid talking about them with anyone, which results in people not knowing how common these feelings are. 

Some teens may go further and actually engage in some act of physical intimacy with a same-sex friend. It is true that such behaviors are not the Torah way, but if you did slip and something like that happened, that does not make you disgusting, and there is not something horribly wrong with you. It just means that you did not do the right thing and that, as a Jew, we are supposed to acknowledge that, think about what caused us to slip, do teshuvah and create new safeguards so that something like that does not occur again. 

It is important to point out that, from a Torah point of view, there is nothing wrong with hugging, giving a backrub to and holding the hand of your same-sex peers (and other behaviors of this type). Touch is an important thing that friends share, and it is a good and positive part of life.

As Jews, we do not live in a bubble, and messages from the secular world surround us and often affect us. These days, messages about same-sex attractions coming from the secular world make things ten times more confusing for a Jewish teen. The secular world says that physical intimacy between people of the same sex is totally natural. In fact, it tells us that there are many people who will only be happy if they have a same-sex partner who they share physical intimacy with and even marry. (Of course, this is all very much against the Jewish view of physical intimacy and marriage.)  

The secular world has all sorts of words for different types of attractions. If someone is attracted to people of the opposite sex, they are called “straight;” if they are attracted to the same sex they are called “gay;” if they are attracted to both the same and the opposite sex, they are called “bisexual.” In the secular world, these different types of attraction are called “sexual orientations,” and the secular world assumes that people were born with a certain orientation that stays with them throughout their life. Thus, in the secular world, sexual orientation is seen as part of who you are, rather than a choice people make regarding who they enter into a physical relationship with. It is for this reason that some people call their sexual orientation “an identity.” When they use the word “identity” in this way, what they mean is that their sexual orientation is a core part of who they are.  Does the idea of a core part of who you are sound familiar? Well, we spoke about it earlier, when we were talking about how to answer the “Who are you?” question.

Calling one’s attractions and the related behaviors “an identity” both doesn’t make sense and goes against our deepest Torah values. The reason that it does not make sense is that an identity should be something about you that remains the same about you, even when your moods and circumstances change. But many people in the secular world start with one type of attraction and then move to another. For example, someone can start out gay and then discover that someone of the opposite sex is attractive to them. They may even marry that person and never be involved in gay relationships again. So how is it an identity if it can change so easily?

As for this identity idea going against the deepest Torah values, let me ask you this: Is being in an intimate physical relationship with someone an identity, or is it an action that one chooses to do? The secular world believes that it is who you are and that it’s wrong to put limits on one’s desires because it is denying who you are. The Torah view is that physical intimacy is a very powerful experience that can build up two people, a family and a home in the right circumstances, and, in the wrong circumstances, can hurt, confuse and damage all these things. Every day, in countless ways, we all face temptations and choices. To view one’s choices about physical intimacy as an inborn “identity” makes it sound like we have no choice about what we do. And that is an insult to your pure neshama. Your pure neshama has the ability to learn what is good (meaning, the unique purpose that Hashem gave you) and then choose it. 

Sometimes, it isn’t so easy to choose the good. Think of Chava, who encountered a very crafty nachash who told her that there was nothing wrong with eating from the eitz hadaas and that Hashem just wanted to keep His privileged position of having special knowledge that she did not have. We too have to face a crafty yetzer hara that may whisper to us that people in authority are just trying to keep us from enjoying some delightful experiences with no good reason. But the truth is that Hashem, your parents and your rebbes are teaching values about what makes a sweet, fulfilling and beautiful life. We, like Chava, may want to listen to the nachash, but we can choose to answer back, “Hashem is not forbidding certain things because He wants me to lack good things or to suffer. He forbids these things and encourages others because He loves me and knows that the mitzvos that He gives us are the path to happiness.”

IV. What Is a Boy and What Is a Girl?

What is a boy and what is a girl? This might sound like a strange question. It can’t be so hard to tell the difference. After all, isn’t it the first thing the doctor tells the mother after the baby is born? “It’s a boy!” or, “It’s a girl,” they say. It didn’t take them long to figure it out; only a moment. 

But what makes this complicated is that it is easy to tell whether a person is physically male or female, but it is harder to say how boys and girls (and men and women) think, feel or behave differently. Or, to put it another way, are girls and boys different on the inside? All these questions become particularly confusing during adolescence, a time that the body changes, so that maleness and femaleness become even more obvious, and emotions and behaviors are rapidly changing as well. 

Many young people may become very dissatisfied with and even annoyed by the things that people tell them they should be doing as a boy or a girl. Such messages are everywhere. Here are just a few:

>Girls are good with children.

>Boys are good at sports.

>Boys are tough and don’t cry.

>Girls like pretty fashions and are constantly trying new hairstyles.

>Boys don’t play with dolls.

>Boys don’t mind getting dirty, but girls want to keep their clothes looking nice.

These statements may often be true, but they often are not true. And just think about how much it hurts a boy who hears these statements and knows that he is terrible at sports or a girl who hears them and just wants to run around outside and not worry if her clothes get dirty. These kids can come to think that people are looking down on them because they don’t behave the way a girl or boy is supposed to. Or even worse, these kids can come to believe that there is something wrong with them because they don’t behave in these expected ways.

As young people enter adolescence, these same expectations and struggles with them continue. And now that the teen is intensely asking the “who am I?” question, it is natural to ask, “What does it mean (or should it mean) that I am a boy (or a girl)?” These are not easy things to answer. A youth can look at his or her parents or other role models to try to find an answer, but this can only be a partial answer because no one wants to be just a copy of someone. In fact, no one could be a copy even if they tried because everyone is unique, and every person’s path in life will be unique. 

During childhood, the child knows if they are a girl or a boy. During adolescence, the body starts to display it with new physical changes, almost like it is on a loudspeaker: “Look, I am a boy!!!” or “Look, I am a girl!!!” (The process of going through these physical changes is called puberty.) Some young people may like this, but many of them can find it confusing, scary and overwhelming. It’s totally normal during adolescence to feel like you are on some amusement park ride, it is going too fast and you would just like to get off for a while to get your balance again and catch your breath. 

As you can see, being a boy and being a girl is much more complicated than that simple announcement by the doctor. Throughout childhood, many children may wonder what it would be like if they were the opposite sex. Children may express these thoughts in different ways, including dressing up like the opposite sex or pretending to be the opposite sex in make-believe games. Sometimes a child may become very frustrated by their sex and declare that they hate being a boy or girl. Adolescents continue to think about these things and deal with these feelings. They deal with them in a more intense way because everything becomes more intense when you are a teen. 

Being a teenager is like being on an escalator that is often going too slow or too fast for you. For some teens, it drags along and they just want to get to their destination. For others, the escalator is speeding so fast that they fear they will fall. Further, they often feel that they have no idea what is expected of them or what they should be doing when they get to the top of the escalator. To make matters worse, some teens experience both things—sometimes the escalator feels like it is being pulled by a snail, and at other times, it feels like it is being pulled by a rocket ship. 

Messages from the secular world are making this “what is a boy and what is a girl?” question one hundred times more difficult and confusing. The secular world says that we should not assume that a person who is physically born a girl should be called a girl or seen as a girl, nor that someone who is physically a boy should be called a boy or seen as such. The secular belief is that it is healthy and normal for a child, teen or adult to, at some point in their life, say, “I know that I am physically one sex, but I don’t really feel comfortable being that sex. I would be much happier if I start telling people that I am the opposite sex, and if I dress and groom myself that way and tell other people that they should talk about me like I am now the opposite sex.” Secular doctors are happy to help such people by giving them various medicines that can stop the body from going through puberty or can make a man look and sound more like a woman and a woman look and sound more like a man. The medicines that make people look like the opposite sex change the voice to make it lower, change the body shape and can cause a woman to grow a beard. Some people are not satisfied with all these changes and actually get intense surgery to completely change the shape of their body, including their sexual organs, so that they will look like the opposite sex. 

To make matters more confusing, the secular world also says that there are people who do not feel comfortable as a male or as a female, so they want the world to see them as neither or as a person who is in between the two genders. Doctors also help people accomplish this by giving them medicines and operations to make them look a little less male or a little less female, so they look somewhere in between. 

The widespread acceptance of these approaches in the secular world is pretty recent. No one really knows what effect they will have on people’s health, well-being or satisfaction with life. There are still many unanswered medical questions about all these approaches, but doctors are raising concerns that these treatments increase people’s chance of having serious diseases. In addition, these procedures usually interfere with a person’s ability to have children. A woman who has all of her sex organs removed will no longer be able to carry a baby; a man who has his sex organ removed will no longer be able to become a father in the natural way; and a woman who has her breasts removed will no longer be able to nurse a child. Further, if a young teen goes on medications blocking puberty and later goes straight on to taking medications to make them look like the opposite sex, this, too, seriously interferes with their body’s natural ability to have children, making it likely that they will never be able to. 

People who were uncomfortable with being seen as their biological sex were not always treated this way by the secular world. Thirty years ago, a person intensely seeing themselves as the opposite sex and willing to do anything possible to change themselves into that opposite sex was not so encouraged to make these changes as people are today. This is not to say that such people were disrespected by doctors for their problem. Such people were still treated with compassion. It’s just that doctors generally held the view that it is tremendously challenging and involves a lot of loss and difficulty to go through all the changes to appear like the opposite sex. Further, these doctors were very doubtful as to how much satisfaction and peace the patient would actually find even after they went through all these changes. 

This approach of not being so fast to support this “sex change” was particularly true regarding teenagers. As is clear from all I’ve said so far, adolescence is an extremely confusing time. The doctors of the past believed that most teens who said they want to be the opposite sex were actually just afraid of all the expectations they were facing for being a boy or a girl. Further, some of these teens most of all wished they could avoid puberty altogether and wanted their bodies to physically remain looking like children. 

Doctors who took the older approach to these issues did not embrace a child’s desire to make themselves into the opposite sex. These doctors realized that any change can be difficult and that the way a person can healthily deal with change is to go through it, be supported by caring adults, find new strengths to face the difficulties and to finally realize how much they have grown from the experience. These doctors would patiently talk with such young people, sometimes over the course of years—listening to them, accepting them, giving them time to express all their feelings about being a boy or a girl, their feelings about social pressures, their dreams about the future and what things made them feel happy and well. This approach appears to have worked very well. For example, one clinic providing this treatment reported that 88 percent of the children came to accept their biological sex over time.

We live in a time when the difference between the Torah world and the secular world has never been clearer. The secular world defines people’s identities by what they physically desire and how they look. The Torah defines people’s identity by their neshama, its purpose and the choices they make. 

One of the most powerful places that we see the difference between the secular world and the Torah view is in Pirkei Avos 4:1, where Ben Zoma says, “Who is wise? He who learns from every man. . . . Who is mighty? He who subdues his [evil] inclination. . . . Who is rich? He who rejoices in his lot. . . . Who is honored? He who honors his fellow human beings.” The secular world, which celebrates our physical desires and our appearance, would give different answers to these questions. It would say, “Who is wise? The one who talks a lot and displays the most knowledge. Who is mighty? The one who can conquer others. Who is rich? The one who has so much money that they can wear diamonds all over, drive a Ferrari and own three mansions. Who is honored? The one who everybody praises.” When you look at the secular world, these are the answers that people supply to this question. The Torah Jew knows that it is what is inside that matters most. Inside is your connection point to your neshama and to Hashem. Look to your neshama and it will teach you to notice the lessons you can learn from other people, to discipline your yetzer hara, to have gratitude for what you have and to respect other people. 

Gratitude for what we have is one of the most important ingredients for a happy life. Gratitude does not mean denying that something is difficult. Hashem made us; He knows that we will have difficult times, including times that we are suffering and find it hard to experience gratitude. Adolescence presents many exciting opportunities, but also many challenges. When you encounter those challenges, I encourage you to not become discouraged or mad at yourself. Everyone needs love in order to thrive, and that includes healthy self-love. It is totally normal to have feelings of frustration with the social expectations of your sex and even to be uncomfortable with the way your body looks. The thing to remember is that feelings come and go and change over time, and what really matters in life is to seek out and find your purpose that Hashem lovingly put into your neshama. If Jewish teens take this approach to their sex and their adolescence, they will, by and large, come to see their body as something that provides amazing strengths, experiences and opportunities. They will come to see, too, that the key to feeling happy is similar to the key to feeling beautiful: If you appreciate something just as it is, you will come to see how beautiful and wonderful it is. Your body, your neshama, your self is beautiful, just as it is. 

V. So How Do I Know What’s True?

We live in an age of too much information. In an earlier time, if you wanted to know something about a topic, you would go to the library, check out one or two books and then you could become quite knowledgeable about it. Today, limitless information is at your fingertips, available wherever there is an internet connection. The challenge in earlier times might have been to find enough information about a topic. The challenge today is that there is more information than we can make sense of. And even worse than that is that there is so much contradictory information from so many sources that it’s hard to know who is telling the truth.

Children and teens are naturally curious. Thus, it is not surprising that, if given the chance, they might turn to the internet to seek out answers to questions that they are either too embarrassed to ask about or that adults refuse to answer. Turning to the internet to seek out answers about adolescence, relationships, etc. can have many hazards. I am sure you have heard many warnings about the inappropriate materials on the internet, which encourage a way of life and experiences that are absolutely against everything a Torah-observant Jew follows. These materials can make very ugly things look desirable and may tempt a youth to seek experiences that are very harmful to their neshama and put them at great physical risk as well. 

In addition to exposure to these materials, there are countless ways to encounter and interact with real people on the internet. These real people may want all sorts of things, including some very selfish things that could expose the youth to a good deal of danger. As I really hope your parents have warned you, communication with random people on the internet means you have very little idea about their background, who they associate with, what their lifestyle is and if they care at all about hurting people or not. Further, it is much easier to lie about who you are on the internet, and many people enjoy making a false version of themselves, presenting themselves as how they would like to be or as how they want others to see them. These circumstances make it much easier to manipulate other people on the internet, especially young people who have less experience in spotting suspicious behavior and hidden motives. 

Many frum teens who are struggling with attractions to the same sex or with discomfort with their own being a boy or girl fear that they will be judged if they talk about their feelings with other people in their life. So, one solution they may try is to use the internet to find information about these topics and form connections with like-minded people. This does make sense to them when they do it, but it brings with it all the hazards that I mentioned above. The teen seeking information about attractions and discomfort with being a boy or a girl will find endless information, much of it encouraging lifestyles and perspectives that do not help and will pull them further and further away from the Torah, Hashem and their own neshamas. Much of these sources of information is guided by the belief that seeking the physical pleasure of someone else’s body is an entertaining and fun thing to do, and often even more satisfying if such people have no emotional connection. In addition, these sources emphasize that the most important thing in life is for you to get what your body wants, and that will make you happy. The Torah teaches something very different, which is that you will only be happy when you get what your neshama wants. 

The secular world teaches other things that are very confusing to a young person who is trying to figure out who they are. For example, the secular world teaches that there is nothing abnormal about a person saying that they are a girl this week and a boy next week and then switching back again; that we should do away with the whole idea of male and female; that the whole practice of marriage is outdated; and that there really is nothing better about a child being raised by their mother and their father, rather than just one parent. 

Some teens are most interested in watching videos made by young people who are also dealing with same-sex attractions or wanting to be the opposite sex. These people offer extensive comments and opinions about these experiences. Teens use these videos not only to seek “information” but to help themselves to feel less alone by spending time watching these young people who may have similar experiences, concerns and even beliefs as them.

Spending time watching these videos does more harm than good. The “information” offered is as reliable as the source that is offering it. These people are not real experts on what they are talking about, and they generally offer highly biased information. In addition, the ability to maturely understand, sort through and discuss complex information is only fully developed by around age twenty-five, an age so many of these video makers have not even reached yet. Another big problem with these videos is that they give the watchers the false feeling that they have someone who understands and accepts them completely. Of course, this is an illusion. A video is not a relationship. Even if the viewer sends a comment to the video maker now and then and gets a response, this is also not a relationship. A real relationship only occurs when someone honors you enough to actually spend time with you, listen to you, get to know you and try to understand you. And the best way to understand you is for someone to look in your eyes, share the same space with you and make the effort to be part of your life. 

Seeking information and support online will substitute fake friendships and lots of misinformation for real relationships and reliable information. So how do you know what information to believe? The quality of any information depends on its source. And how do you know what is a good source of information? That is all a matter of trust. Find an adult that you can talk to, one who understands what a Torah life means and will not dismiss or attack it just because it does not fit with his or her beliefs or because it tells them not to pursue certain pleasures that they want to have. (It is best to talk to someone who lives a Torah life, so they can really understand the challenges of having your feelings as a Torah Jew, and can give you advice informed by the wisdom of the Torah.) 

Find an adult who will listen to you without overreacting or judging and who is truly interested in you, your world and your feelings. And then take a risk with them. Tell them the truth. Your truth. That is, whatever it is that you feel, what you want and what you fear. And if, for whatever reason, you don’t get the reaction you hoped for, don’t give up. Such adults exist. They are all over the place, and they want to listen to you, to appreciate you, to understand you. One of those adults might even be a parent, or an aunt or uncle or a rebbe. You never know what a relationship offers unless you give it a try. And when you find that person or persons to talk to, they can give you understanding, help you find good sources of information and suggest other supportive individuals to help you on this rocky road of becoming an adult. 

VI. You, Me, We

One of the ways that the secular view of the world is very different from the Torah view has to do with how it treats the self. In the view of the secular world, the self should be the center of our lives and the purpose of our lives should be pursuing pleasure for that self. The Torah view is that this simply makes no sense. As Hillel said, “If I am not for me, who will be for me? But if am only for myself, what am I?” In other words, yes, we need to be aware of what we need. But we also have to realize that we are not much at all if we only think about our own needs. In other words, in order to be complete people, we have to think about other people, about their needs, and we also have to ask where we fit in with other people, where we belong.

When it comes to belonging, the secular world encourages people to find people that are just like them and be with them because that is a community that makes them feel most comfortable. The Torah view is that Hashem did not put us in this world to be comfortable. He put us here to be happy, and achieving happiness requires us to use all the resources in our world, both those we are comfortable with and those that might be challenging. Since this is true, it makes perfect sense why Hashem made a world where boys are interested in girls and girls are interested in boys. For, although there are many similarities between boys and girls, it is undeniable that they are different in countless ways, and it is these differences that can bring the most excitement, growth and joy in life. As a person explores all the ways that their husband or wife is different from them, he or she will find ways to join with these unique differences in order to serve a joint purpose. One person may be more thoughtful, the other more fun-loving. One might be gentler, the other stronger. One might be more assertive, the other more accepting. Joined together, as a team, Hashem will bless them with all the gifts of love that He wants to share with a couple who loves Him. 

Hashem’s ultimate plan for the world is that all people, with all their differences and all their unique talents, shall live together in peace. We do our bit to bring that time closer if we connect to the Torah, role models and our own neshamas when we ask ourselves, “Who am I?” The answer to that question will be unique to each one of us, as unique and special as the love Hashem has for every human being that He created. 

 HASKAMAS OF RABBI LOPIANSKY AND RABBI BREITOWITZ: