“My kallah teacher thinks I have childhood trauma, but I really can’t think of one,” Chanshi begins.

“My husband is a very nice person. My parents are too. My life isn’t perfect, but I don’t understand why this is so crazy for me.”

What Chanshi means by “this” and “so crazy” is the state of her sexual relationship.

She and her husband Izzy have an otherwise “nice” relationship. They are kind to one another, they share thoughts and ideas comfortably, and manage their household cooperatively. But when it comes to sex, her body shuts down and her emotions dysregulate severely. A sexual history intake reveals the likely source of the problem:

“We didn’t know each other well when we got married,” she begins. This doesn’t surprise me; I’m familiar with her communal norms, but there is more to this story. “I didn’t know much about intimacy, but I figured he would show me what to do. On our wedding night, I was nervous. I had a general idea of what was supposed to happen but when it started happening for real, I was like frozen. Finally, I just screamed. I told him: ‘stop, stop- I can’t do this.’ If you can believe it, we actually stopped, and he called his Rebbe right then. He asked if we really have to ‘do it’ tonight- maybe it would be better to wait a little. His Rebbe said, no, it has to be on the wedding night. I don’t remember exactly what happened next. It’s like my brain left my body for a while, and when I woke up there was some blood and pain. And I was a different person after that. Like the ‘me’ from before my wedding died, and got replaced with a sadder, more nervous person. Since then, we can do it [‘it’ being intercourse] but it’s like I’m not there. I dread it, I avoid it, and I want it to be over as soon as possible. We only do ‘it’ when he really ‘has to’ because I know he feels bad for me. He always says he’s sorry afterwards.”

I don’t believe it’s anyone’s right- a therapist or a lay person- to diagnose someone with a history of trauma when they claim not to have one. But in this case, Chanshi’s kallah teacher is half correct. Chanshi does have trauma, but it’s not an old one from her childhood- it’s from her wedding night and repeatedly since.

When Chanshi says: “I don’t remember what happened next,” Izzy explains that he consummated the marriage with intercourse, as per the instructions he received, but it was like she wasn’t there- her body was limp and unresponsive. What happened was a form of rape, although Izzy was not clearly the rapist. It both was and wasn’t exactly Izzy who was forcing this, it was their tragic misunderstanding of religious obligation. Based on their cultural and theological education, neither Chanshi nor Izzy had the permission nor the confidence to say: “Although we were told that we need to do this, it doesn’t seem safe or ok, and so we’re not going through with it.” This would have felt so much like sacrilege that it didn’t even occur to either of them.

Her “not being there” was a form of disassociation; the “freeze” of “fight, flight or freeze.” It’s a defense mechanism in which humans (and some other mammals) use neurologically and involuntarily, to anesthetize themselves to the agony of acute trauma. The sensation she describes as “leaving her body” is that.

The “becoming a different person” was part of the PTSD. Her aversion to sexual activity is most likely a result of the initial and subsequent rapes. When she says they “only do it when he has to” this is another tragic distortion of religious doctrine. There is a Jewish law which forbids men from deliberately ejaculating anywhere other than as part of marital, vaginal intercourse. While the tremendous pressure this puts on men is clear, the pressure it puts on women is, in some ways, even more intense. What it often means is that when a man feels a build up of sexual tension, his wife is the only address for this “need.” So many couples understand this as the wife’s implicit obligation to be available for sex in order to “save her husband from sin.” This kind of ideological pressure often creates a scenario where a couple is regularly having nonconsensual sex, based on the biological urges of the husband, rather than the mutual sexual and emotional desires of both partners. Meaning, she technically consents, but because she believes she doesn’t have the right to say no.

Yes is meaningless if no isn’t an option.

And pressure prevents pleasure.

This is what Chanshi means when she says they only “do it when he has to,” and when he says he’s sorry afterwards, chances are, he truly feels awful. It’s a traumatic feeling it its own right to be the source of someone else’s trauma, when you’re a good person, which Izzy seems to be.

What’s the solution?

Well, there are multiple phases. The first and most foundational, is reeducation. I don’t know how clearly Izzy asked his Rabbi the original question on their wedding night- it’s possible he didn’t properly explain what was going on. But they need to hear from a reputable religious authority that a repertoire of ritualized forced-consensual rape is not what our loving and compassionate G-d ever had in mind. Thankfully, there are plenty of Rabbis and Jewish educators who are knowledgeable about mental health and trauma and can help reeducate couples like this to a place of sexual safety.

“It’s worthy to try and consummate on the wedding night, if possible,” is not the same thing as, “one must consummate on the wedding night- no matter what- even if it generates years of PTSD.” I would imagine that no reasonable religious authority would say otherwise.

“Try your best not to purposely ejaculate outside of marital sexual activity” is not the same thing as: “as soon as you feel an urge for sex, make sure your wife knows it’s her obligation to be there for it, regardless of how she feels, or else it’s a grave sin for both of you.”

Context matters, language matters, mental health matters.

The same Talmud that extrapolates the rules to consummate immediately and not to waste seed also speaks about the clear prohibition of taking a woman sexually against her will, and the obligation to ensure that she has desire and pleasure when they are together.  

The next phases are trauma treatment and couples-based sex therapy. Some clinicians do this as one process, other divide into separate ones. This work is not easy and requires a lot of patience and support. The most critical correction is for couples to be taught that no form of touch should be visited upon any part of the person’s body unless and until she is ready and genuinely wants it.

But what is promising and vital to know is that when couples who suffer from this form of religious miseducation and sexual trauma are reeducated and treated, the prognosis can be quite good, assuming there is a foundation of strong emotional connection and a willingness to do the therapy work involved.

How can we prevent future couples from having to endure trauma like this?

Better premarital education.

Firstly, for families- children, teens, and young adults. Check this out, to see how this can be done: elishevaliss.com/sacrednotsecret

And secondly for couples. They need to know that traumatic sex is not intimacy and certainly not holy. That sex is supposed to feel good.  If you’d like to receive a kallah teacher script for teaching sexuality to those who are learning it for the first time (even if you’re not a kallah teacher but are in a position to educate- yourself or others) here is the link: elishevaliss.com/kallah

Check out my new course!

A Religious Families Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education: Sacred Not Secret

Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com