It was about a half-hour into a marriage mediation session when the challenge became very apparent to me. In all areas of life – for both husband and wife – it was all or nothing. There was considerable need for a vacation, but only a fully planned vacation would do. There was need for increased communication, but only a full-fledged DMC (Deep Meaningful Conversation) would be sufficient.

I asked their permission to introduce a new model by which to judge their marriage, a model I like to call “coloring in the picture.” You see, sometimes things might be progressing in a good direction, but we won’t notice that if we are judging things as black-and-white, pass-or-fail, all-or-nothing.

Coloring in the picture means to choose a color, any color you like, and then divide that color into its shades. There is very light, almost pastel. Then there is the regular color. Finally, there is the color in its brightest form.

Similarly, every goal or expectation can be divided into three levels. There is something, which means we are trying. There is satisfactory, which is quite significant, considering that this was a troubling topic that needed attention. And then there is excellent, which means that we really have made progress and reached a place we can be proud of.

DMCs for example might not be readily achievable at first try. But if we can value pleasant interactions – the pleasantries of life – and color code them on our chart as we value them, there is room to continue to grow and nurture the relationship. Similarly, a vacation may be in order but not feasible due to other responsibilities. If we can value mini-vacations, like a one- to two-hour outing, or even mini-mini-vacations, like a 15-minute walk, there is room to provide encouragement and look with hope towards additional progress.

Too often, we judge life like a traffic light. Things are either “red” (that’s bad),, “green” (that’s good), or “yellow” (of significant concern). This is the approach we take when we view the world in the framework of a courtroom, and see our feelings and observations as if we were preparing for litigation. Instead, we have the opportunity to recognize the shades of life. When we do, we leave room to identify which direction we are going.

One of my children once showed me a picture of a face she drew. Instead of the typical smile or frown, the mouth on the face she drew was a squiggly. I asked her if the person she drew was sad or happy. She answered, “He is happy about some things and sad about others.” That is a thoughtful attitude that leaves room for conversation and progress. There are things that are working well and things that are not working so well. Through dialogue and tiered goal setting, people can reach success and resolution.

Sometimes, taking a step back and seeing the whole picture is helpful. The entire relationship doesn’t get a check or an X because of the one vexing topic that we are focused on. There are many other aspects to life and relationships, and those, too, should be colored in appropriate shades.

Imagine having a beautiful, clean, white sheet of paper that has one dot in the corner. If we move very close and focus on the dot, then all we see is the black dot. But it will be far more useful for us to back up a bit and take in the whole paper. I maintain that the “dot” should be addressed even if it is just one aspect of the whole picture. If it concerns you, then it concerns us. But feeling deeply that there are other aspects and shades of color can well make dealing with the vexing “dot” a little easier and more manageable – and, often, solvable.   

Interestingly, when we allow for a full spectrum of colors in our personal life assessment, we also allow for the existence of occasional failure as well as for off-the-charts success. Life is not relegated to individual episodes of success and failure. Life is alive; it is best expressed in so many hues and colors.

In moments of frustration, it is easy to see life as a traffic light, with colors that signify stop and go, yes and no, check and X, success and failure. A more forgiving and effective metaphor is to see life as the tide, flowing in, then flowing out. Even as we make progress, it isn’t instantaneous. But if we monitor the ebb and flow in full color, we can identify the mini-successes and the progress that we are making along the way.

Mordechai Rhine is a certified mediator who specializes in marriage mediation. He is based in Baltimore, Maryland, and services clients throughout the United States via Zoom. Rabbi Rhine has served as a community Rabbi for over two decades. He can be reached through his website, www.care-mediation.com, or by email at RMRhine@gmail.com.