One of the most common pieces of marriage advice is that marriage requires compromise. Simply put, compromise means that you won’t get everything you want. For example, you might be a saver and your spouse a spender. You wish to put a lot into savings each month, and your spouse would rather spend and live in the present. So, you might compromise as to how much money to put into savings or retirement each month, saving a lesser amount that you can both agree on.
Compromise could also mean that you and your spouse take turns. This time we do what your spouse wants and then we do what you want. For example, your spouse can choose the location of the family vacation this year, and you get to choose it next year.
The problem with the compromise model for decision making is that it can lead to resentment and dissatisfaction. A compromise decision can leave one spouse feeling unheard and that his or her needs were truly unaddressed. Interestingly, if I were to express compromise mathematically, I would say, "1." By that I mean, either we do it your way this time and my way next time. Or we do it half your way, half my way. The result of such math is 1. Such a model sells us short in the relationship.
As an alternative, I encourage clients to consider collaboration, which can be expressed mathematically as, "1+1=2." It works like this. Say we are discussing where to go on a family vacation and each of us has a proposal. We choose to enter the conversation with the attitude that neither of us has the full truth. By listening well and asking the right questions we begin to understand why our spouse made their suggestion and why we suggested ours. By collaborating we can adapt and refine either of the suggestions or come up with a different option that satisfies our interests. By collaborating we step out of the win-lose perspective that compromise requires, and step into a collaborative space where the result is a greater, better, and more refined decision than either of us could come up with on our own. By engaging in the collaboration process we get far more than two halves or a 1, which we get when we just take turns.
Remember, whether your motto is, “Happy Wife, Happy Life,” or “Happy Spouse, Happy House,” compromise is just the start of peaceful interactions. Collaboration truly enables you and your spouse to work as caring partners and produce something greater.
Collaboration is the sum of the parts: 1+1=2, and often even more.
Mordechai Rhine is a certified mediator who specializes in marriage mediation. He is based in Baltimore, Maryland, and services clients throughout the United States via Zoom. Rabbi Rhine has served as a community Rabbi for over two decades. He can be reached through his website, www.care-mediation.com, or by email at RMRhine@gmail.com.