The famous Biblical commentator, Rabbi Avraham ibn Ezra, once heard of a very special manuscript which described in detail the proper melody for reading biblical text. He was so excited that he traveled to the neighboring province in an effort to study it, despite the fact that a war was raging in the area. During his travels, he was apprehended by one of the factions and was accused of being a spy.

The kindly rabbi insisted that he was a scholar on his way to study a manuscript. But the guards did not believe him. Finally, he asked who had the power to release him. They told him that only their captain could release him, so he asked to speak with the captain.

When the captain visited the rabbi, they chatted a bit. Then the captain said, “I do not believe that you are a spy. But I heard you told the guards that you were traveling to study the tunes of scripture. I simply can’t believe that story. I cannot believe that a person would travel through a war zone to find out about some tunes; it is just so insignificant.”

The rabbi raised his voice authoritatively and screamed in a rebuking tone: “Can you help me!?”

Shocked and insulted by the tone of the rabbi, the captain stalked off.

The next day, the captain thought about the prisoner and reconsidered. He realized that the prisoner must be really desperate to use such a tone. The captain knew in his heart that the rabbi was not a spy, so he decided to give him another chance.

He returned to the prison cell, and as he entered the rabbi addressed him with great respect, asking, “Can you help me?”

The captain was ready to respond, “Yes, I am totally willing to help you, but why did you speak to me last time in such an objectionable tone?” But before he could respond he saw the rabbi’s gentle smile and appreciated the message. Indeed, the rabbi uttered the same exact words yesterday and today, but the tone and intonation totally changed the meaning of the message. It suddenly made sense that the rabbi would be quite motivated to find out in what tune and intonation a biblical passage was meant to be read.

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In all relationships, and marriage in particular, the tone of our speech will impact how our communications are received. Are we angry, upset, disappointed, carefree, happy, or loving? Much more significant than what we say is how we say it. It is possible to express thanks in a grudging tone. It is likewise possible to express disappointment in an endearing way. Our tone indicates our attitude. Our attitude will impact the direction the relationship will go.

Dr. John Gottman writes that he is able to predict the longevity of a marriage with high accuracy by simply observing 15 minutes of conversation between husband and wife. He is able to tell from their tone of interaction if there is affection and endearment or if there is resentment, sarcasm, and contempt.

When I first read about Dr. Gottman’s predictions I was impressed by his work. Through his Love Lab studies, he had observed thousands of couples interacting. He was able to detect and predict. I was impressed. But I wondered why he felt it took him 15 minutes to reach his prediction. Wouldn’t sarcasm be detectable even sooner?

As I studied Dr. Gottman’s methodology more deeply, I realized that there was another part to his approach. That is, after an off-putting comment, if one spouse made a repair attempt, would the other spouse accept? In other words, there could be sharp words exchanged in any marriage. The critical factor is what happens after those words. Is there an attempt to repair the relationship? And is that repair attempt accepted?

Repair attempts can be straightforward apologies using the words, “I’m sorry.” More often, the sharp comment might just be followed by a softer comment. If the spouse accepts the tone-down, then the marriage can be back on track. But if the spouse declines the repair attempt, then the conversation can well escalate into defensiveness and attacks. It is at that point that Dr. Gottman feels his prediction is quite accurate.

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It is well known that most of our spoken communication has less to do with what is said and much more to do with how it is said. The tone we use, the body language we display, the ambiance we create, all set the stage for how our communication will be understood. Just as a scholar of texts will be motivated to find out with what melody a passage was meant to be read, so will our spouse be waiting to understand not only our communication but also our intonation.

I invite you to experiment in your mind’s ear with the various ways that the following statements and questions could be made. Go slowly because each could have as many as four or five different “melodies”:

• Did you take out the garbage?
• Are there any carrots left in the fridge?
• It seems like there is a lot of laundry.
• How often do you think couples should have a date night?
• When does the mortgage need to be paid?
• I heard your mother is coming for Shabbos.

Certainly, in marriage, we must learn the art of diplomacy. We strive to share our thoughts and feelings in a filtered and respectful way. But in addition to any initial comments, which may or may not be taken the right way, there are repair attempts that abound in a healthy marriage. These are efforts to make it clear that, even in critical moments, our loyalty to the relationship is reliable and constant. In fact, in a healthy marriage, even differences of opinion can be processed in a way that gives consideration to building a healthy relationship together.

Marriage communication is like a musical performance. It has highs and lows. And simultaneous tunes competing with each other, enhancing one another. The music has refrains, and many a chorus – issues that repeat themselves again and again. And then there are special moments, when two differing expressions of a melody fuse together to create an even greater experience – harmony. What is critical is not only how we play our notes, but also how we respond. When we respond well, we create the duo harmony that marriage is meant to be.

Mordechai Rhine is a certified mediator who specializes in marriage mediation. He is based in Baltimore, Maryland, and services clients throughout the United States via Zoom. Rabbi Rhine has served as a community Rabbi for over two decades. He can be reached through his website, www.care-mediation.com, or by email at RMRhine@gmail.com.