Alex could feel his face flush as he looked at the floor, ashamed and humiliated. He couldn’t even look his wife in the eye. He had known how crushed she would be by the loss of his job. He had always been so responsible and dependable. She had always appreciated it. How could this happen?
The memory replayed in his mind. It was really unimaginable. His email to a potential client was well written, informative, and courteous. He had spent so much time crafting it. He always wrote carefully and well, but this was exceptional - it was a client whose business would be a particularly lucrative opportunity.
He had debated so thoroughly in his mind - was the tone of the email warm and welcoming enough? It could have been more effusive, but he didn’t want it to sound desperate. He had changed nuances of the wording at least a dozen times, and made his decision.
He had been wrong. The client was unimpressed. Alex knew what this meant. If he couldn’t secure an opportunity like this then he had no future in the company. He awaited the inevitable. When it actually happened, he didn’t even react. He had experienced it already.
But breaking the news to his family was the part he had really dreaded. The experience was all that he had expected. And now he was going to have to try to find a new job - after this inexcusable failure. Would anyone want to hire him?
Alex awoke from his reverie, staring blankly at his computer. It must have been half an hour that he had spent ruminating. He needed the final touches on this email to be perfect. There was so much at stake. His palms broke out in cold sweat.
He wanted so badly to have the email looked over by his boss, but his boss had assured him that he trusted his abilities. He had always done well with these interactions - outstandingly so - but maybe this would be different. How could he know for sure?
Alex had a longstanding diagnosis of generalized anxiety disorder. He knew that many of his thoughts of self-doubt and negative outcomes were exaggerated - many people had the same thoughts cross their mind, but weren’t troubled the same way as he was. Nevertheless, the thoughts had a way of distracting him. As someone who also had to navigate having ADHD, that was the last thing that Alex needed.
Alex had consistently been going to therapy, and through it gained understanding of where the thoughts that plagued him may have originated, as well as awareness of his natural predisposition toward anxiety. Now, Alex was seeking practical strategies. Would he be able to get through his work day without being haunted by these thoughts?
Alex decided to call his ADHD coach. He had helped him create strategies to get through the day productively despite his challenges relating to ADHD. Perhaps he could also teach him skills to help him navigate his day despite the challenges of his anxiety.
Alex was in luck. Although his coach’s original training in ADHD coaching didn’t train him in strategies for anxiety, the prevalence of anxiety as a comorbidity with ADHD led him to seek training for it as well. At this point he had been helping people manage their anxiety - usually alongside their therapist - for years. The therapist would help them understand their motivations and context, while the coach would offer strategies to help get them stay focused and productive.
Alex learned many new skills from his coach. He learned mindfulness skills to help him identify thoughts as just thoughts - not a definite reality. He learned to understand negative thought patterns into which he tended to fall - catastrophizing and predicting the future. He also learned that anxiety is a warning signal from the brain - sometimes one that is faulty or excessive - so if he continued to engage in his day to day activities despite the physical feelings of anxiety, he could ultimately train his brain to realize there is no danger in this particular area.
The very sound of the elevator door closing startled Alex - as though he somehow didn't know that it was going to happen. His heart pounded in his chest. He could imagine exactly why his boss had called him to his office in middle of the day. His boss was not an ill tempered man. That would, of course, make it worse.
"Alex," he could imagine him saying softly, "you can do so much better than this. I know the deadline is next week, but we are about excellence here - we don't just wait until the last minute. I'm disappointed in you."
Alex caught himself, putting his newly learned skills into action. He acknowledged that none of this imagined interaction had happened yet. He reminded himself that while it was possible that his boss was calling him up to give negative feedback, it was unlikely. He had a week to the deadline, and had never received complaints about that kind of timeline before. The thoughts were unhelpful. He would end this rumination. While in the past Alex could get lost in such a daydream, he now knew how to disrupt the thought pattern through which it began. He could cast some doubt on its claims.
Alex's body nevertheless continued to tremor from the rush of adrenaline - the interaction had felt so real - but now he knew that was all that it was. He practiced a breathing exercise - another one of his newly learned techniques. It helped somewhat. It would be a few minutes until his body relaxed completely, but he had now spent a few months learning how patience and a willingness to tolerate discomfort would help him control his struggles with anxiety. Now that he was armed with tools and knowledge, he was well on the way.
Rabbi Shmuel Reich AAPC is an ADHD life coach in private practice in Monsey, NY (remote coaching also available) as well as a rebbi in Yeshivas Ohr Reuven in Suffern, NY. He can be reached for coaching of individuals or couples, as well as for speaking or writing engagements, at rsreichadhdcoach@gmail.com or 646-262-8257.