I had been hoping to write a blog with suggestions for how to make preparations for Pesach easier for those with ADHD related challenges. I soon realized that to cover everything would need to be more like a book than I blog... I had not quite set out to write a book at this time, so instead I wrote a blog with a small handful of points that I think can be useful. Here goes!
Many individuals with ADHD struggle with organization of time and tasks. For these individuals, preparing for Pesach presents a great challenge: Many tasks need to be tended to in many different places. This can include cleaning the house – all the different parts of it, the office, the car, and let’s not forget the bungalow. Groceries for Pesach need to be bought, the kitchen needs to be koshered, lots and lots of cooking needs to take place, so does some more cooking, and the chometz needs to be sold. Delegating sounds great, but keeping track of who is doing what and if they did it yet or not presents an additional challenge.
But don’t worry. Help is on the way. Here are some tips for Pesach planning that can hopefully be of assistance, even for those with executive function challenges:
Have an overall plan: Pesach planning involves many different tasks, many of which need to be coordinated with others. (For example, buying groceries for Pesach before there is a place that has been cleaned for Pesach in which to store them may not be so practical.) Having a list of what needs to be done, and in what order, can prevent a lot of potential confusion. This may be extremely difficult to do for those with ADHD, so here are a couple of ideas for how to make this work:
Get someone else’s list. This can be a list made by a family member (mother, sister, or an even an aunt or cousin whom you know to be organized) a neighbor, or something you found online or somewhere else. There is no need to reinvent the wheel – especially when you are not an engineer.
Plan together as a family. This can be with a meeting in which everyone gets together in person, or just by making a group chat. I have described one way to do this, and placed it in the brackets that follow this paragraph incase you aren’t in the mood for technical details right now.
[A list of all of the tasks that need to be done is made. If there is a family member who is experienced or adept at this sort of thing, it would be wise for them to be the one to make the list. (Otherwise, everyone pools their knowledge about what needs to happen. With everyone in the family contributing, hopefully everything will be thought of.)
Family members can then choose which jobs they are willing to do. This can be made into a list that is either written manually, or a Google doc. Either way, it should contain who is doing what, and a place to check off if it was done yet.
Most importantly, the list needs to be easily accessible to everyone. If doing this virtually is not an option, then putting a written list in a prominent place, such as the fridge, should work.
If a particular task needs to be finished before one you plan to do, you can check the list to see if it has been done yet. If it has not, you can ask the one who plans to do it when they plan to do it.]
Delegate shamelessly. When there are executive function issues involved, a task that is difficult or ambiguous is either: not going to happen, going to be a terrible source of stress, or both. If you have ADHD, make sure to contribute as is expected of you in the context of your family, but at the same time choosing tasks that you are comfortable doing.
Make it fun. While driving to the grocery store, washing the car, or cleaning the house, listen to music that speaks to you for the occasion, your favorite podcast, or a shiur that will help you get into the Pesach spirit. Why peel potatoes in the kitchen if you can do it on the porch and enjoy a gorgeous day? Make Dad jokes!! (Don’t tell your family that that one came from me.)
Adjust expectations: It is beyond unlikely that every errand, plan, and coordination of errands and plans will run smoothly. This is true in any family, but especially so when one or many family members has ADHD. Knowing to expect the occasional hiccup may help you feel less frustrated when they in fact happen. Here are some likely ones, though this list is far from exhaustive:
- Someone buys the wrong brand, or the wrong amount, of something. Alternatively, they forget to buy an important item at their trip to the grocery store, requiring them to go back and wait another half hour on line. Someone else gets really upset about it.
- Someone plans for an errand to take place too late to get done before Yom tov. (You may want to pick up the new suit and get it to the tailor sooner than later...) They are annoyed and shocked by this, even though everyone told them this was going to happen.
- Your twenty-year-old son comes out to clean the car just as your eighteen-year-old daughter is pulling it out to go pick Grandma up with it.
Remember to laugh: Awareness in advance of the aforementioned frustrating likelihoods can also help you consider your response to them beforehand. As is always the case with ADHD related mishaps, having a sense of humor about these things can go a long way. Additionally, it can be useful to create a plan for defusing tense situations. Agree beforehand on a funny word to say or silly song to sing when tensions seem to be rising. Alternatively, have an escape hatch for yourself to step outside and calm down if the situation itself can’t be stopped.
Build in Self Care: Take some time-outs during the days of preparation to recharge. Fresh air, music, exercise, a walk, or even just a few minutes of quiet time alone (if you are like me and like that sort of thing) can give you an important boost.
Chag kosher v’sameach!
Rabbi Shmuel Reich AAPC is an ADHD life coach in private practice in Monsey, NY (remote coaching also available) as well as a rebbi in Yeshivas Ohr Reuven in Suffern, NY. He can be reached for coaching of individuals or couples, as well as for speaking or writing engagements, at rsreichadhdcoach@gmail.com or 646-262-8257.