I like to define anxiety as a big question mark. There is so much in this world that is unknown to us. That leaves us with many questions. We could spend hours speculating but that will drive us mad. We will never know what should and will happen until it becomes part of the past. At that point we need to continue moving forward with more questions, only this time they are a different set of questions.
We have questions because we want to know and prepare for whatever is coming next. That gives us some power, some control. Anxiety is about a lack of control of the possibility to be unable to contain a situation which we may or may not know about at the time. That is why anxiety could be so difficult because it is impossible to know how to prepare for the unknown. There are certain basic steps to take for situations which could be more common such as keeping a fire extinguisher nearby, or having some savings in your account.
My favorite quotes referencing anxiety are “only the ten commandments are written in stone,” -unknown and a more concrete is “If you want to plan your life, do it in pencil.”-unknown We all have situations that change unexpectedly. What do we do then? In order to come up with a new plan, you need to explore all options. That could be difficult to do when we’re not calm because that will prevent us from making a sound decision. It does and could happen that the wrong decision will be made.
Some people have difficulty making decisions because they don’t want to make the “wrong decision.” Everyone will make the wrong decision at times. That is how we learn to improve our judgment in the future. If we never put ourselves in a situation where we may fail, we will never learn from our mistakes. Many inventions came about because of “mistakes” such as silly putty and potato chips.
What we can do is tell ourselves it is okay if we’re in a situation that is not okay and ask ourselves what the worst case scenario is. We can be so afraid of something, but if that something happens, how much of the effects will be irreparable? So the two questions to ask yourself is 1) What is the possibility that “it” can happen? and 2) What is the probability? The answer to both questions will have some likelihood of occurring. Once you put the chance it could happen into proportion, that could help decrease the fear. You can also question how many times your fear turned out to be true in all the years you have been afraid.
Below is a story of how anxiety can be seen.
Remember, “The only thing you can control is how you react to things out of your control!” BASSAM TARAZI
“I need to bring my child in to see you,” said a Mrs. Stein with urgency in her voice. Mrs. Stein wanted to set up an appointment immediately. The therapist noted the mother’s anxiety regarding scheduling a time.
When the Mrs. Stein came in for the initial appointment, she sat at the edge of her seat as she described her 7-year-old daughter, Rachel's, anxiety. Mrs. Stein explained that Rachel is worried every time her mother leaves the house, even if running to a neighbor, and even if other children are home. The therapist asked if there were other concerning behaviors and Mrs. Stein said Rachel will spend extended periods of time at night redoing her homework until she feels it is right—to the point of wearing out her paper. In addition, Rachel has a hard time waking up in the morning after getting to bed so late, and then has a hard time organizing herself in the morning as she is spending too much time on morning tasks.
After listening and offering her support, the therapist questioned Mrs. Stein regarding her reaction to Rachel during these times. Mrs. Stein stated that she tries to be patient, but oftentimes becomes upset, and in exasperation, just takes care of the task on her own because she had so many other things she has to get done.
Therapist validated Mrs. Stein's desire of wanting to remove her daughter from an uncomfortable situation and therefore finding the solution for her. The therapist explained that the process of feeling uncomfortable was important because that was what would lead Rachel to work towards a solution. The therapist continued to explain that exposure was putting someone in an uncomfortable situation purposely because that would help them see that they could be okay in that situation. Changing their thoughts of the fear, ultimately helps them have less intense and then more manageable feelings.
The therapist questioned if Rachel may be feeling anxious by observing her parents. Mrs. Stein said she felt anxious at times but didn’t think it affected her child. The therapist discussed how in order to work with the child; Mrs. Stein would need to be on the same team. Whatever was discussed in session would need to be enforced at home. The therapist spoke about the long term effects of Mrs. Stein investing energy temporarily, even if it seemed to be more than she had. Doing that would benefit her and Rachel in the big picture. One of the ideas brought up during therapy and implemented was starting a worry box. Every night during bedtime, Rachel would write her worries down on different size papers, corresponding with her actual fear. It was up to Rachel if she wanted to share with her parent, but she knew she had the option to.
When parents are on board, the therapy process is more effective. Rachel’s parents were committed, even with their limited time. With time, there was still some underlying worry but Rachel was able to know feeling nervous was okay. Rachel also stopped being so attached to her mother, and her social life improved as well.
www.zahavahselingerlmhc.com
Zahavah Fishfeld, LMHC is a licensed therapist who focuses on relationships, self-esteem and self growth. She offers a phone consultation as well as sessions in person and through video. Her offices are located in Flatbush and Crown Heights. She can be reached at 845-596-1321 and zahavahsel@gmail.com.