Fidgeting, sitting at the edge of their seat and “I don’t know what I am supposed to say” is how sessions often begin when starting therapy. If you were in your home or around good friends, would you be feeling the same way?
There could be many reasons for discomfort but they all tie back to one thing; Confidence. Whether in therapy, an interview or social gathering you want to fit in. You want to be the person everyone else wants you to be. Because it is Passover I will add that is being a slave to someone else. Sometimes by wanting to fit in, we forget to be ourselves. Getting to know yourself won’t happen if you are trying to fit other people’s molds or at least what you think they want. Along with that, if you try to please everyone, that is impossible because there are a lot of “everybody’s.” Each everybody may want a different you. On the contrary, if you are not comfortable being yourself, you will never know who truly accepts you.
When there is silence in a room where there is someone other than yourself you start thinking about what they are thinking. This could be conscious or subconscious. What do they want me to say? What will they think of me if I say what I really want to? They already think of me negatively so how can I change that? Chances are if the other person is confident they are not having any of those thoughts. It is like going to a wedding and feeling self conscious about dancing, therefore looking at other people’s feet. You are only looking at others because of your discomfort. They will only be looking at you for the same reason. And so what if you can’t dance? Anything you do appearing confidently leaves an impression.
If you go airborne in middle of the street or sidewalk as I have done in rain shoes (yes, I’ve gotten new ones since), as long as I walk away feeling comfortable, no one looks at me twice. This is also New York :) If you did injure yourself then you will be looked at if you just walk away. That is because you could use help but feel uncomfortable acknowledging that because of how you will be viewed.
Try to be yourself. Say something during a conversation you wouldn’t normally. You find your place by doing that. If you try cracking a few jokes and you receive looks of bewilderment, you’re probably not on the same wavelength. So try again. Have you ever seen someone exercise for the first time? They struggle because it is a new concept to them. If you feel comfortable trying something new strictly for yourself, it won’t matter what others think.
Next time you are sitting uncomfortably, instead of thinking what the others are thinking, understand why you are uncomfortable. Refuse to let your feelings control you. Go try something new even if it is “fake it until you make it.”
Zahavah Fishfeld, LMHC is a licensed therapist who focuses on relationships, self-esteem and self growth. She offers a phone consultation as well as sessions in person and through video. Her offices are located in Flatbush and Crown Heights. She can be reached at 845-596-1321 and zahavahsel@gmail.com.