Our Mishna on Amud Beis discusses financial arrangements for fathers and stepfathers. Blended families present significant challenges, and sadly, otherwise successful relationships have failed as a result of the conflict between parents and step-children.

According to Walsh (Walsh, W. 1992, Twenty major issues in remarriage families. Journal of Counseling & Development, 70, 709-715) some factors to consider are:

(1) What to call the stepparent (2) expectations for instant affection among family members, and (3) grieving lost familial relationships, and (4) Adult issues focused on balancing needs of the adult relationship with parenting responsibilities and intrusion into the blended family by noncustodial parents. 

I will comment on each of these areas from my experience as a family therapist working with blended families.  First, there are two key principles. (1) Go slow. It is going to take time for the children and the adults to get used to the new reality.  This is especially true because divorces or deaths usually involve traumatic abandonment and interruptions in attachment.  (2) Dialogue and process are more important than hard and fast rules.  Blended families should have “town hall” meetings at least once a week, where each person’s concerns are taken seriously.  Taking a child’s concerns and complaints seriously, is not the same as giving in to all their wishes.  It just means that their complaints are truly heard and they feel that there is a possibility that their needs will be given the right degree of priority.  As the famous child psychologist, Haim Ginott used to say, “Children need a voice in the family process, but not necessarily a vote.”

The issue of what to call a step-parent is surprisingly loaded with conflict, as the step parent wants to be accepted, but the child may resent the intrusion by the replacement of a parent figure, when still grieving the loss of their actual parent. I don’t think there is one right answer.  The conversation needs to be collaborative between parent, step-parent and child, and what needs to be stated is that there are two fundamental concerns that may be slightly in conflict but workable.  (1) The child must feel that his or her biological parent is not being replaced nor discredited (2) The step-parent as an important adult and head of the family must be given a title that shows due respect.

In terms of expectations of affection, sometimes a child or a step-parent might have created in their mind an idealized version of what this new coming together will be like. When one person’s version involves more attachment than the other is prepared for, it can feel oppressive, leading to rejection and hurt feelings.  Talking about these implicit expectations and needs, and revisiting them from time to time is the best way to help smooth the transition. 

There needs to be much leeway for allowing each child to express grief and frustration about the lost “old family” and “the way things used to be”.  This is natural and it can come out with chutzpah.  Patience and love is required here.  The Gemara (Bava Basra 16b) tells us:

אִיּוֹב לֹא בְדַעַת יְדַבֵּר וּדְבָרָיו לֹא בְהַשְׂכֵּל וּכְתִיב כִּי לֹא דִבַּרְתֶּם אֵלַי נְכוֹנָה כְּעַבְדִּי אִיּוֹב אָמַר רָבָא מִכָּאן שֶׁאֵין אָדָם נִתְפָּס בִּשְׁעַת צַעֲרוֹ

On the one hand, the text states: “Job has spoken without knowledge, and his words were without wisdom” (Job 34:35). But on the other hand, it is written with regard to Job’s friends: “You have not spoken of Me the thing that is right, like my servant Job” (Job 42:8). Rava said: From here it may be inferred that a person is not held responsible for what he says when he is in distress. Although Job uttered certain words that were wrong and inappropriate, he was not punished for them because he said them at a time of pain and hardship.

If we do not hold an adult responsible for what he says in distress, surely this must be true in regard to a child or an adolescent!

For the adults, especially those who may have been waiting so long to finally find stable and healthy love, it can be extremely frustrating to feel competition with family members. Yet, in all truth, they preceded your coming to the picture, and in some ways may take priority.  Blended families are not typical and allowances must be made for the biological children that sometimes come before the step-parent.  A good way to think of it is with the halakhic analogy of hora’as sha’ah.  The rule on the books is one way, but in certain situations it makes more sense by long term strategy to overlook the rule and make an allowance.  Of course, in any intimate relationship, the parents need to have something distinct and special beyond the bond with the children and family.  That is the operating rule.  Yet, especially in step-families, there needs to be emotional dexterity to flex and withstand the sometimes brutal sense of coming second.  One should have long term goals and agreement of how things SHOULD be, but be willing and patient to go with less than perfect if the situation calls for it.

Translations Courtesy of Sefaria, except when, sometimes, I disagree with the translation

Do you like what you see? Please subscribe and also forward any articles you enjoy to your friends, (enemies too, why not?)