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What is the secret to raising confident children? There really isn’t any. Children live and breathe what happens in their home. They absorb everything. They may not understand in a logical sense but they will feel. Those feelings translate into behaviors.
Those behaviors could begin by withholding their feelings for fear of disrupting the already unfriendly environment. They don’t want to think they will be the cause of continuous tension. They begin to bottle up their feelings. That is the first step of them beginning to question themselves. Should they share? Is it my fault? If this is how they treat other people, how will they react to what I say?
That could continue to questioning any bond, from friendships early on in life to a long term relationship. Once the questions begin, they don’t stop. They start wondering what others think of them, if they could be doing something differently. They may become people pleasers which is an extension of not wanting to upset you which is why they held back their feelings. They may go to the opposite extreme and become confused. They won’t know what to do and therefore not think much into their behaviors. With both examples, they will end up being taken advantage of or not making many friends, even if that wasn’t their intention.
Being unsuccessful in relationships could lead to insecurities with being successful in other areas of life. Education, employment, being a good spouse and parent are further questions of competency. Nobody decides to be a failure. At a TED speech in 2013, Eleanor Longden said “The relevant question in psychiatry shouldn’t be what’s wrong with you, but what happened to you?”
When starting to teach a child what the word no means, the earlier you do that, the easier it will be. In the same sense over here, the atmosphere created for the children and the messages given over directly and indirectly will shape them too. There should be no shame in being able to benefit from outside guidance. It doesn’t make you into a failure but into someone who will try their best. Parenting doesn’t fit into any mold and is not something you could study in advance. Finding a balance between the difficulties raising children and other stresses is tough! Your own self care is so important as well.
Children could tell. Emotional health and physical health are important in raising children. They need both.
Zahavah Fishfeld, LMHC is a licensed therapist who focuses on relationships, self-esteem and self growth. She offers a phone consultation as well as sessions in person and through video. Her offices are located in Flatbush and Crown Heights. She can be reached at 845-596-1321 and zahavahsel@gmail.com.