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This is a follow up to “One Recipe to Sabotage Relationships.” There is a time and place for everything. There is also a proper way to go about it. By committing to a relationship, you are agreeing to the former.
When there is a disagreement, you will usually get past it. What remains with you and becomes a part of the relationship is how you communicated during that time. Words do not heal just because the issue was resolved.
Childhood and life experiences effect you. There is no way to get around that. You may have yelled to get what you wanted to throughout your life. You may be used to attacking someone verbally because their words left you feeling vulnerable. Feeling criticized or put down is never a good feeling. You must remember, it works both ways. If you do not like the feeling, why create a situation where someone else feels them instead.
When someone lashes out at others, they do not have their own feelings under control. There is nothing wrong with feeling angry, scared, hurt or anything else. There is something unacceptable with how you choose to express this. The first thing to remember is that just because you do not like the feeling, does not give you permission to rationalize how you treat someone.
Expressing yourself is not just about the words. It includes tone of voice and body language. If you come across in a way that the other person feels they cannot respond or express themselves, they will not. If you would like healthy communication, they need to understand you. They will do this by you letting them know something bothers you or there is something you would like to discuss. They will do this by seeing you look relaxed, even when you are unhappy. They will not do this if you look like you are about to beat them up of if you will give them the silent treatment.
You need to ask yourself what is more important to you. You could be “right” and “expressive” or you could communicate in a different way that is more likely to accomplish your goal.
Zahavah Fishfeld, LMHC is a licensed therapist who focuses on relationships, self-esteem and self growth. She offers a phone consultation as well as sessions in person and through video. Her offices are located in Flatbush and Crown Heights. She can be reached at 845-596-1321 and zahavahsel@gmail.com.