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Dear Readers,
We are six months into a pandemic that has impacted almost every facet of our lives. Many of us have emerged from the more extreme forms of lockdown and are encountering an outside world that bears, at best, a limited resemblance to the world we once knew.
Simchos are being celebrated on a size and scale that seems familiar; yet not all of us can safely attend. Some of us have been able to return to work; others have not. The children of our community face a new, albeit uncertain, school year. We are on the verge of dreaming and hoping, but we’ve been told to prepare for setbacks.
With uncertainty and disappointment on the horizon, we need to consider the value of resilience – that is, the capacity to bounce back, in the face of adversity. Our current edition of Mind Body and Soul approaches resilience from a number of angles.
Sarah Teichman demonstrates how we can cultivate the capacity for resilience in our children. Sarah Levy introduces a survey that both measures and promotes resilience in COVID-isolated children. Alan Singer reports on a study that highlights the resilience of the parent-child relationship, in the context of two income families.
Fraidy Zaidman stresses falling and failing, as necessary preconditions to resilience. Elisheva Liss helps us visualize the process of recovering, following the varied traumas to which the pandemic has exposed us.
Other articles touch on resilience and robustness. Rachel Slochowsky draws parallels between judiciously removing our masks and embracing healthy vulnerability. Moshe Norman uncovers a more compassionate view of Elul and Teshuva than the one many of us were taught. Adina Segal invites family caregivers to reach out for support, while enumerating healthy, self-nurturing behaviors. Yehuda Krohn considers the dreams and Tefillos of a young man who often feels anything but powerful. Tina Kahn shares several Rabbinic anecdotes, pointing us toward empathy and acceptance.
I’d like to share some of my thoughts about the impact of the pandemic on our community, particularly as it relates to conflict and resilience.
No two people are exactly the same. Moreover, each of us possesses many and diverse needs. We all need to feel physically safe, even as we crave connection with others. We seek to attach ourselves to Hashem and those we view as his representatives. We simultaneously need to know that His representatives are guiding us toward healthy, wholesome living. We typically experience a sense of safety and comfort in abiding by communal norms and time-honored traditions. Although, at times, we may feel the need to adapt.
The COVID-19 crisis has led to polarization, both of the broader community and of the observant community. Within our community, there are those who insist that the directive of saving a life is the overriding principle that guides all of our behavior. When they do attend Minyan, they look for a setting that actively enforces all recommended safety guidelines.
For others, being in Shul and Davening with a Minyan are the very oxygen of their lives. The moment that the government loosened public health restrictions (or even looked the other way), they returned to Minyan. These others note that few, if any, people in our community have, of late, been sickened. The Minyan they attend may or may not require masks.
Yet others, find themselves caught between the polarized groups. They are trying to balance the varied and competing needs within the community, within their families and within themselves. They are uncertain as to what is the best Shul for them and their family.
Whereas debates about Shul and Minyan attendance can be somewhat resolved by each person choosing to Daven where they feel safe and/or welcome, other conflicts are less amenable to such solutions. We seem headed, for example, toward a pitched battle regarding the return of students to school.
Some parents are deeply sensitized to the plight of their children, many of whom have not had in-person access to their classroom and classmates for many months. They, too, draw attention to diminished infection rates in their communities. Many parents who are obliged to work outside of their homes have already experienced the untenability of anything short of a full return of their children to the classrooms.
Others, particularly teachers, are feeling pressured to return to classrooms in which it is impossible to observe social distancing and/or other safety measures. Unlike public school teachers who have powerful unions supporting them, many of these teachers feel bullied and betrayed by prominent community members.
Once again, there are those who fall somewhere in between these groups. They may wonder whether their children can once again have a full-scale learning environment, even as they are mindful of safety concerns.
Unresolved conflict, particularly when the stakes are high, can wreak havoc on a community and its members. Insoluble differences can also plague families, creating distance between couples and separating parents from their adult and teenaged children.
I’d like to suggest several steps we can take to manage ourselves and the conflicts in which we may find ourselves.
- Acknowledge and accept that:
- You are living in difficult times, which may strain your capacity to manage, economically, socially, and spiritually.
- Given the nature of the crisis and the difficulty finding a solution that would be satisfactory to all, you are likely doing your best, in arriving at a decision that makes sense to you.
- Engage in self-care. Don’t let the crisis or conflict consume you. Eat, exercise, read, enjoy time with family or friends.
- Find a like-minded mentor or friend, with whom you can safely air out your concerns.
- Particularly when the conflict is insoluble:
- Recognize that you may temporarily need to migrate toward a different Shul, school, or community. It need not be a permanent move.
- Try to recognize the humanity of others, even as their approach opposes your approach, even as you feel that their policies will be harmful to you. They may be wrong, but they are still human beings.
We may find ourselves on a collision course with other members of our community. This need not wreck long-standing friendships and relationships. If we are able to normalize the existence of differing opinions, engage in self-care, reach out to like-minded peers, and, lastly, uphold the humanity of those with whom we disagree, we have a better chance to emerge intact, on the other side of COVID-19.
Photo by Papaioannou Kostas on Unsplash